Today's blog is about learning to ask for help and how to ask so you get what you need. A difficult task for most of us. I invite you to read it, and post your responses and opinions here.
Many years ago, we had a son who was born prematurely and lived for only 12 days. When I got pregnant again, I had to spend four months in bed in order to prevent the same thing from happening again. At that time, we had a five-year old, who was in morning kindergarten. We got so many offers of help. People brought food, loaned me books, visited me, helped with our five-year old. I quickly learned to accept whatever help was offered (as Joan said, it was harder for my husband). But the primary thing I learned was, that as much as I appreciated the help, the people offering appreciated having it accepted. It made them feel really good to be able to do something for someone else. I always try to remember that by asking for or accepting help, I am contributing to the pleasure of those giving the help.
I was faced with having to ask for help yesterday when our garage door was not closing correctly. This is something I always relied on my DH (Wayne) to fix. Not anymore. He doesn't even know what the word garage door is.So I reluctantly called my nearest neighbor to look at it. That is so difficult for me to do. He looked at it and said I needed a new garage door opener. Of course our neighbor was delighted to help because he was very close friends with my DH for many years, but it is so difficult for me to make that call so I can definitely relate to today's blog. How is Sid doing?
I have had several friends offer to help any way they can, but there are 2 problems: 1) I can't think of any specific help they can give other than to remain friends, and 2) they all live 1/2 to 2 hours away. Fortunately for both of us there are several friends, couples and singles, with whom we still do things on a fairly regular basis. Related to another theme, we have a friend arriving today from out of state for a week's stay. She has offered to cook as often as necessary. We will do some eating out, but I intend to let her cook.
It is very hard to ask for help. I told a few friends of Chuck one of the best ways they can help is stay involved with Chuck. One friend of Chuck's and mine is so helpful. She visits us at least once a week and calls Chuck everyday. I tell her she is saving our lives. The neighbor still treats Chuck like one of the guys and they have a beer in the evening when he gets off work. I let them know this is so important to me.
However, I haven't really asked for help for myself and I have been struggling with this.
I asked a neighbor who I didn't know well for help-big time. Bill's license had been revoked but he persisted in driving until I hid the keys. The neighbor helped me "steal" my husband's car and we drove my car and his to the dealership where I bought a new car. The neighbor loves everything about cars. He did all the research so we were well prepared. He didn't care for my choice of cars but still supported me. I think at first he believed I was flim-flamming my husband. He still asks about the car whenever he sees me.
I need to learn to ask for help. I've pretty much learned to say yes if someone offers something specific, especially if it is directly for my husband. But I need to learn to ask for myself as well.
I read the whole blog noe and it touches a very sensitive nerve that has been bothering me. One person I thought was my best friend has had only superficial contact with me the last 3 years. She acts concerned and caring but rarely has time for me. Both she & I were separated from our husbands around the same time, she ended up divorcing her husband who is bi-polar and I ended up taking Chuck back in. I always supported her but told her it was different for me because I felt it was the right thing for me to take care of Chuck. I feel that this may have driven a unspoken wedge between us. Also she is an MSW, although her area of therapy is children. So I thought/expect her to be more supportive. She is very involved with her new "boyfriend' and his friends and family.
Sorry I just had to let it out. It makes me very sad. Do any of you have suggestions how I can approach this friend?
How could anyone GIVE if no one was willing to RECIEVE? One of my sons wrote to his brother on a birthday something I never forgot - well all have needs - sometimes me, sometimes you. I thought that was beautiful (and done much better in the shape of a poem). Why should it be more 'blessed to give than receive'? That is ridiculous! When Hank was alive I would try to do things on the outside of the motorhome and that is the way we made friends with so many men who knew much more than I and were very willing to help. Especially when it is offered it is a gift to that person to say 'yes'. Marsh, when you said all you need is friendship - that is a HUGE gift. As I look back on things I see how many dropped by the wayside as Hank's disease progressed. That is hugely sad, in my opinion. We can't EXPECT that others give to us,that is true - but we can RECEIVE knowing that we would do the same if roles were reversed.
This disease has been a gift in one way. It has finally started to teach me how to receive as well as introduced me to a whole new level and way of giving. I had to learn to accept help - I couldn't do it all. I am also seeing how many different ways people can give and learning different ways I can give now and in the future. My parents were not very giving people so any giving I learned came from what I saw outside the home. My mother has always made sure she received though and I so did not want to be a drain on others. It has been a long lesson on balancing giving and receivng.
I am no good at confrontations, so unfortunately, I have no idea how to advise you about your "friend".
When Sid was driving, his job was to do all of the grocery shopping and errands. (He made a day of it - Sam's Club, Walmart, and Publix). When the driving stopped, he had a friend who said - don't worry about it - I'll pick you up on my shopping day, and we can go together. We haven't heard from him since. When someone offers, and then doesn't follow through, I would be very uncomfortable asking.
You and Chuck are so lucky to have a friend who follows through on the visits, and neighbors who are so caring. It's different with us, because we had to make all new friends when we moved down here. We made most of our new friends through our support group.
It has been difficult for me to ask for help. It means I can't do everything. It means giving up control. It means there is a higher being calling the shots, not me. Asking for help has been liberating. I have invited people into my life. I feel like part of village and not alone any more.
I have several friends who have offered specific help and I haven't accepted it as yet due to the fact that my DH is so anxious and paces all day long and has lost the ability to make conversation. I think I need to just let the friends come and let the chips fall where they may. I am worried that they won't know what to do or how to treat him. He always seems calmer around others so next time I am going to say yes.
In some ways it was easier that when we moved to Florida, my DH had already been diagnosed. So we hadn't made friends through golf or other activities that he can no longer do. The last 2 years we were in NY, all his friends (and his 2 sons) had drifted away. So I don't feel that we lost any support system that we would have had if we had stayed up north. My support group, my neighbors, and even my dog agility friends have proven to be very good for me as well as for him. However, he still talks about not being about to drive (although not to the extent that some others do) and especially about not playing golf. I think he still thinks he will be able to go to the course and play a round of golf. I can't point out that the last time we tried to play an executive golf (June), he couldn't even stand on the right side of the ball to make a putt. A neighbor has offered to take him to the putting green, but says I need to call him when DH can go. I'm just not sure that he will be able to do even that so I hesitate to call. I need someone to call or come to the door and say, "I'm going to take him for a ride". What I wouldn't give for an hour by myself at home. I haven't been alone in the house more that a couple of hours since we moved here...I always enjoyed that time.
So far I haven't needed help but when I told a neighbor a while ago about Mac he said he would come sit with him when I needed to go somewhere. A lady at our church has volunteered to carry groceries up to the third floor. Right now I call Mac when I am on my way home from the store and he meets me in the parking lot and is good at carrying 4 bags at a time. I carry the light ones. lol
Flgirl-Florida actuallly is a good place to retire.If you live in a 55+ community almost every one needs help at some time. I laugh that sometimes it takes three of us to make one healthy body. You live in The Villages don't you.
FLgirl do I know what you mean about being alone at home. How I would love that. I did mention that to someone who offered to help (the ride) but don't know how DH would do without me. He is verrry attached to me. It is funny how much they love to ride in the car. My DH lost his golfing ability a long time ago. He was asked to play with some men from church and I don't think they understood why he couldn't as they only see him at church. They have no idea the process we have to go through to get him presentable and DH is very quiet and attentive at church. I agree with the others about asking for a specific thing for help and maybe if one person can not do it, then another will be able. I know I am learning alot that I will be able to give to others when the time is right for me to give. I also know that we are giving when we allow others to give to us. Now I just need to heed my own words. Alice
Asking for help--accepting help. Not easy to do either, but best things ever to do. When I had to start using a hospital bed, I needed a frame above the bottom half, that I could use to pull myself up on to stand and then balance against as well. The "professional" techs didn't get that a free standing Trapeze (triangle hanging from a chain) wouldn't do because it moves. I asked and my brother built it. Recently he modified it to also work with the new bedside commode. He left with instructions that if it needs any further adjustments, or I need anything else, just call--it might take him a little time but he'll see what he can do. Our God-daughter took Ron to coffee today. She drove--he bought because he thinks it's cool that he gets Senior prices. Any help offered--even if you can actually do that particular thing yourself--is still help which will reduce demands on you and can free you to do other things. As far as holding back because your LO paces, gets edgy, etc., let the person know the basics and let the chips fall where they may. My experience has been that he does a little better when someone else is here, but first visits are kept shorter so both can get used to how things are. Often, the only way others are going to learn 'what is dementia' is to come face to face with it.
One key thing I've found in the giving and receiving of help is---BE SPECIFIC. Could you help me with. . .? or I can take you to the store . . . (then agree on a day and time).
I like the Dana Reeves idea of having a specific list ready and then when someone asks they can just pick something. It has been very difficult for me to accept the fact that I need help...but I do. I am slowly asking for little things...my mom stops by to check on B. and then does a little light housework, godbless her...my brother-in-law is going to cut down a dead bush for me...B.'s family wants to help with what insurance doesn't cover... I am saying yes to it all.
Have tried posting a couple times since registering but keep getting errors......but this subject hits home so will try again. Among all the new & different pains I've suffered through this journey with my wife, the shallow offers of help are pains I just can't seem to get over. Many mention that you can't change it so just let it go........how I try. The relationship my wife had with her 4 closest friends was always something I admired. Like they were all connected. For the last 4 years, they are no where to be found. I've asked each of them for help and I've been told "your asking too much", "I'll check my calendar and get back to you" but never hear back, etc, etc. I called her very closest friend the day before DW's Bday this year and asked her to please call DW the next day on her birthday as it would mean a lot to her. Though she did do it, that was in April and haven't heard from her since. I need help watching her next week so began asking 4 weeks ago........no one called back. She has an older sister who lives 20 minutes away, a brother 15 minutes away and a little sister 1,500 miles away. One of them might call once every 3 months......to tell DW about their lives and problems. DW always cries when off them phone with them because "they don't care". That really hurts. Not to be overly negative, much of my family lives in the area and they have been lifesavers......anytime. My sisters have taken week vacations to stay with DW. For that, I am very grateful. Ask for help? I'm tired of the rejection......so I'm pretty selective who I ask. But I will continue to try to accept it. Thenneck
well this did really hit home. dhs friends and most of his family have just disappeared from his life. i have called them and asked them to come see him and they just don't. i have asked one of his brothers twice personally and sent word to him twice also and he just don't have the time. his sister won't come. i have sent word to her twice. they pass right by our house twice a day at least,so you can't tell me they really can't find the time to come. his closest friends won't come. our son had dh with him the other day and they stopped at the little country store down the road from us and they ran into one of dhs best friends,they grew up together,and he just said hi to them and walked out. i know people don't know what to say and i guess it makes them look at their own morality and it scares them,but he was always there for all of them,no matter what, and now i feel people have just abandoned him,although he did get a suprise visit from a neighbor sunday, he has one brother and his wife that visits and his father and another brother visits. my family call to check in on him and are very concerned and my brother keeps saying he means to come down to visit,but he doesn't come either. i think people just don't know what to do and they just don't want to get upset. our children and grandchildren are here often. sometimes it's nice just to have some peace and quiet,but i know dh gets lonely and bored and just doesn't know what to do with himself and needs company sometimes. here again the public needs to be educated about ad instead of running from it and any one who has it. i pity any of them if it happens to them. i would not wish this on anyone or anything. jav
Yes, Bluedaze, we're in The Villages and I couldn't have made a better move from NY if I had known ahead of time how fast DH would go downhill. Everyone is so friendly...when I start to get him up off the chair in a restaurant, 3 people rush over with offers to help. When he was still able to play golf, I would tell the other couple that he had AD and they were so kind in admiring his shots and helping him find his ball and get turned around the right way. I guess everyone here sees that is could easily be them...but the kindness I see here was not evident up north. I'm sorry that his sons can't take the time to call him once in a while, but we will make one more trip next month to see them and I will feel that I've done all I can. I've begged them to help and it's done no good...their loss! I'm not good at asking people for help; always been very independent myself. But when DH fell, I called my friends next door and they were so supportive and helpful. I think I would ask if I really needed something, but I don't feel that I can ask someone to stay with him so I can take the dogs on a good long walk...only dog lovers can understand that! I am really lucky that I can hire people to come and stay with him and I can get out. I do enjoy my "other" life...dog agility and golf. It's much easier for me to pay someone than to ask someone. But I know that he still realizes how much more I am able to do than he is and visits from friends would make a world of difference to him.
Part of my problem in asking for help is that "help" generally has to be returned. I have a neighbor that frequently offers to help, but then when she needs help it's generally impossible for me to return the favor. It's more like I will have to some day pay it forward and not everyone holds that view. Fortunately there are the rare people who expect nothing in return. I hold on to my deep appreciation of them, for they have brought much joy to my life. And indeed, I look forward to a time when I can pay it forward.
I have a good friend who has offered to help any time and she is familiar with the needs of my husb -- her own husb passed away from A.L.S. just this past April. Also have several neighbors who have offered to sit with my husband & "if I need anything", type of offers...i know they mean it & I will definitely call them if I do need them!! My sister & I talk nearly every day (she lives in FL; I'm in TX) -- our daughter & I talk nearly every day (she's in NY) and she comes home about every 2-3 months...her greatest gift to me is to just "go shopping with me" or whatever we want to do to get away...it's nice to have her around, even for short visits.
TIP: This past weekend my "warning light" came on our Explorer saying tire pressure wasn't right...I tried using that tire gage thingy & put quarters into an air-machine...couldn't get things to work. I then had a "God moment" and drove right into the "service" area of National Tire & Battery here in Arlington...told the guy @ the door what my prob was & he directed me into one of their bins & they checked the tires & air-ed up the two back ones, which were the culprits! "No Charge"!! I went straight for the experts to help me with the tire problem :) So thankful!!
natsmom, that tip about going right for the experts is a good one. We tend to forget that there are experts out there, and some of them would be glad to help us out.
This is a pertinent topic for me today. My DH has spent the last few years doing a great deal of walking. It is now unsafe for him to do this alone. I need to find people to walk with him and I don't know if I should draft friends or try to hire someone. It is such a hurdle for me. I can't get myself to make the necessary calls. My sons have been home this summer so we had it covered but next week I'll be alone with the burden once again.
Hildann, if you figure that one out, do let me know. I'm at a very similar stage. He is out every morning for over an hour, sometimes over two hours. And you can walk very far away in that time. I can't even consider going with him. I'm partially disabled and wouldn't last the first half hour. A neighbor tried to walk with him and ended up with major foot problems.
The hiking club, which he started, says he doesn't walk fast enough to keep up with them, but I think they are probably wrong. The problem is that he DOES walk very slowly when he is with people, and does the trailing 20 feet behind me when he is with me in the supermarket.
Hi I'm back from an interesting "vacation"...didn't quite turn out as hoped, but there was one very lovely thing.Friends from dental school days live in the city near the resort, and they joined us for a long and late lunch one day. i let them know about G's condition. We are part of a group of four couples from school that always hung together. We picked up the relationships several years ago and have alternated get togethers at our homes..ours was the last a year ago. It was fairly obvious at that time that G had a problem. Sorry..background stuff..they have a time share in southern California and want us to join them there to have the group party thing...knowing that it may well be G's last time. They have it all planned and outlined for the least problems for us to deal with. After some of the "flight" thing mentioned, I really teared up that they had taken the pains to plan this just for us....no pressure if it doesn't work, but just a caring invitation. There are some good friends out there yet. I haven't been so sure lately.
Interesting topic. I find it very difficult to ask for help. I've been there and don'e that before and have been very disappointed. I can ask my mother, daughter and son-in-law, my DH's closest friend and a few neighbors and I know that they would be willing to help. They already have. As for his sons and the rest of my family, I know deep in my heart that they aren't sincere. His son's don't call, they don't want to deal with it. They pay lip service to it. Partly because they don't know what to do but most of all because they want to do what they want to do. If past performance is a predictor of the future, I know that they aren't sincere. If you have suggestions on how I can approach tihs differently, I would like to hear them. For now, I will continue with the small group of people who demonstrate their caring through their actions.
Kathi37, i am envious of those who would go to such lengths to help you & your sweet spouse to enjoy a special time away...our bible study group is like this when we meet, always offering to help with his plate, sitting beside him, etc....but to have an entire time away & have someone else make all the plans...wow...you are blessed! I hope that you take them up on it & I hope that it will go WELL!!! If you don't feel you can go, be sure to encourage them to VISIT you @ the house to keep those ties...it so helps!! One of my husband's friends recently saw me outside trimming plants & he stopped "to see how we were"...i invited him in to visit with my DH, his "highschool friend from 1963" and they really enjoyed one another, even if it was one-sided & I helped to carry the conversation....later, conveyed to my husb how much "Eddie cared about him"...he agreed...friends do mean well if they call, drop by, or plan to stay...
DianeT - I would encourage you to look @ the relationship of the sons to their dad "pre-Alzheimer's"...if the relationship wasn't there, thenmaybe it "isn't there" now...kids are so sensitive to their dads...no matter how old they are...I have every right to be angry with my step-kids for their "uninvolvement" in their dad's disease, but after some heart-felt conversations, I guess I just chalk it up to each person dealing with it as they can...no judgment, just understanding and compassion. They know I love their dad; I know they love their dad...hard to "see and accept" THEIR DAD in the state he is in...once so strong; so understanding; so encouraging as a "dad" to them...now, they have to carry the conversations, the 'holding onto him as they walk with him', helping him with his seatbelt...all those little things just hurt them so much. WE are hurting to lose our spouse of many many years, day by day...they too HURT as they lose the dad they knew...i try to understand, in spite of how i feel as the "do it all" spouse...so hard...a fine line...but i love the kids; and i know they truly love their dad. My husband told his daughter YEARS AGO (teens) to look up the word "SELFISH"...it is how she was back then...maybe even now (age 35), but more importantly, I know she loves her dad so so much, and it's not just what she wants to do, but more of a survival thing for her, because she loves him so deeply. I can only speak for her...not for anyone else...but perhaps your stepsons are struggling with the loss of their dad too...just a thought. Someone suggested recently to "involve them in an activity", i.e. "Bowling", where the DH, me, and the kid(s) participate...i am reluctant to do so, but might anyway, because it would be a way to bring all together...i hate the title of "recreational director"...but it might be good for ALL of us!! Maybe this would be a good thing for your family...something they could be a part of. Let me know if u try it & I'll do the same... :) Hugs to you :)
Natsmom - Thank you for a different perspective. My husband was divorced when his kids were young. DH and his ex wife didn't have a good relationship and she moved the kids across the country. It wasn't until they were teenagers that they reconnected. After reading and thinking about your note, I realize that the relationship really wan't there. I wish they would be in his life but I understand why they aren't. Their mother is definately 'selfish' and I suppose the kids got a dose of that when growing up. If I put their shoes on, it is probably easier for them on their own to turn off those things that they don't want to deal with. One of the kids, who was closer to DH, lives in Nevada so we don't see him much. The other is in the same general area so I will look into options. This disease is just so darn hard sometimes!
natsmom, Yes it is special for friends to go the extra mile. I hope we can go but the timing is lousy. We are planning a trip to Southern Oregon for a few days with my best friend and her husband, but again,I hesitate as G is so confused right now. Started on Namenda again as his body couldn't handle Exelon, but he quit Namenda at week three before, so we'll see this time. I wonder if anyone else has experienced this sudden change when taking Namenda. Wrong place to ask, I know, but couldn't find a proper meds string.
In any case, true friends are the exception not the rule, we are finding, so we'll enjoy them as we can.
Well, because of the whining I did on this subject 2 days ago, out of the blue one of my wife's old friends was in town and called last night wanting to come visit her. After a brief visit, she asked if she could pick of DW today and take her to lunch and spend some time with her. Unbelievable coincidence. Even better, my wife hasn't stopped smiling since she got back. Very cool.
So far I haven't had to ask for help, but I can see the day coming. Since neither of us drive any more I've been getting very efficient with buses and bus schedules. Not bad once you start figuring them out. However, it may not be a good idea during the winter time and if DH gets worse and balks at taking the bus or something like that, then I'll have to call for help. I've had several people from church tell me to definitely not hesitate to call. I will do that if I have to. I know myself well enough to know it will be very hard for me. But, if I can talk myself into thinking it's for him, I'll be ok. I think we all have to remember back when we were all young and healthy and how if someone needed help, we were there. Now the shoe is on the other foot and it's not a good idea to be too proud to accept help even though it is hard. But then, who said life would be easy. :)_
Mawzy, if friends from church have offered to help, ask about setting up help with driving to places. When my next door neighbor couldn't drive after surgery on her shoulder, the local help group in the community literally set up a driving rotation for her. She had a schedule for all of the therapy and doctor's appointments, and someone to call if she needed to go to the supermarket or something like that.
How about setting up a regular supermarket trip with someone? Or an understanding that if they are going, you go too.