I don't know what I'm looking for in a group and that may be why I'm not getting anything from them. I'm not in therapy or mood altering drugs. Bill is stage 6-7 FTD in a dementia facility. He is 73 and I am a very young, healthy 71 year old. I went through years of hell with rages that went on for hours causing bank, insurance comapany and long time brokerage to cancel us. I feel like I'm all burned out as far as our relationship. I had a terrible time even finding a place that would take him. He is not my loved one. I think I'm doing ok. I never cried. My question-am I normal?
Of course your are normal! You are shut down because of all the stress you've been under for so long. I would reccomend a grief counselor or a therapist - I found it really helped me to talk face to face to someone who could give me some insight into what was going on with me. It's like PTSD. It could effect your health.
Bluedaze, These are tough times we are going through. I hardly cry at all. Several people on this site have said that they don't cry much either. Maybe we will later.
I just found an Alz support group that meets once a month, I've gone twice so far and find it helpful to listen to what others are going thru and to get feed back from them. I also see a counselor, she listens to me, gives me insight and I find that helpful too.
I am the type of person that tries to do everything on my own, but in these circumstances, I will take all the help I can get.
You sound normal to me, what wouldn't be normal would be coming thru this unscathed.
bluedaze, you have been through He** and survived. You built walls. You had to. Now, you need to lower those walls brick by brick, at your leisure and as you can stand it without pain. I think you are perfectly normal. My walls are high. Like shoegirl, I don't cry much either. Yesterday, even after all my husband went through, I barely cried. I wanted to, but deep down I knew it would not do me any good. My husband and his condition hadn't changed. I do get out and have fun (once a week for lunch on Saturdays). I have several friends who are there for me. Those who are not in town will occasionally drop me a card with the most precious thoughtful sentences to let me know that they are thinking of me and wishing there was something they could do. Just go to different groups until you find one that you click with.
I don't know if I could have taken the rages like you did. You are very strong. Go out and have fun and don't feel guilty doing it. You deserve it
I've been with an AD group for over a year. Now I find I am the one bringing websites and the things I've learned here to them. I have tried to get them interested in Joan's place, and I think that a couple lurk here. I sometimes think I'm on a separate wave length from them. I love them, but I don't think that I am getting anything out of the group any more. Maybe I should take my own advice! <grin>
Mary, I'm in therapy. I've got a therapy appointment this morning as a matter of fact. But I haven't been interested in a face to face group since I came here. I don't think I'd get much out of it, and what I need out of something face to face is to get help, not give it all the time. That was why I chose therapy instead. I know me. I'd hang back and try to help everyone else and not get the help I need.
But I might be wrong too. Maybe I ought to be doing one of those groups in addition to this place. I don't know.
Bluedaze - You have been through so so much and survived! I'm not sure i could have gone through what you have at all...I don't know what you offer you about the 'group' stuff. I just recently (yesterday) joined a new group...i'll see how it goes...i like this group because it's "spouses" whereas in other groups, it can be adult children taking care of parents, sisters taking care of sisters, etc. But I do think that I can learn things from people to try to get through this disease and perhaps back to whatever 'normal' is. Take care of you! I agree with others here that talking with someone one-on-one is good too...you need to be cared for "individually" too.
It turned out to be my last therapy appointment for a while. She is so far away that I have to allow 3 hours to have my one hour visit. And, although I can still leave him alone for an hour or so, three hours is just too long. At this point I also don't have the option of someone staying with him.
I'm doing OK. But I know that it was a good thing for me to have someone to talk to face to face about all of this stuff. There are more local groups, but I don't really want to go to a group. If I'd wanted that I would have done it already. I do know how to find the ones that are around here.
Starling, I'm sorry you had to drop your therapy. It's too bad that you couldn't take him with you and have him read or watch TV in the waiting room while you were inside...anything so that you could still go. You seem to feel better having her to talk to.
I'm trying to get a group started here at work - I've found four co-workers whose mothers all have AD and at different stages (two are in nursing homes - two are Stage 4 and 5) and how they tell me that they are caring for their mothers helps me - the emotional and loving ties of friends face-to-face helps too. There are some things though, that I will only discuss with you guys....
On days when I can't check in here, I get withdrawal pains! <grin>
Most caregivers are involved with parents, grandparents, aunts and older relatives. I thought as spouse caregivers we had it the most difficult. One thing I did learn at the support group I attended was that caregivers of parents often lose their marriages due to stress. They are parents, wives and husbands as well as caregivers to their parents. They are pulled from all directions.
Choosing any kind of therapy is an individual choice based on the kind of person you are and what your needs are. Some people are very comfortable with group therapy and it works for them. Others prefer the individual. There is another type of therapy out there and that is with friends, co-workers, close relatives, etc. They can also offer you whatever you need in terms of expressing yourself.
If you can express what you are thinking and what you are feeling when you need to, does it matter that you are not crying? The problem comes if you are repressing what you are feeling and it is eating away inside you.
I find myself growing away from my husband now that he has been in a facility for a year plus. I am ready to move on with my life and he is still there. I love him and do my best to make sure that he is well taken care of and doing that is important to me. Taking care of him is part of my life but it is not my whole life. This is one of those places where I really do feel like a midow (married and a widow) as my life is somewhat in limbo until he passes.
bluedaze you are normal, do what is right for you and things will work out.
bluedaze, you are SO normal. You already have this group for AD. Why not try a different kind of group with something you are interested in. I think we can OD on AD. Seek out an activity that gives you personal pleasure.
Kitty I have a group of friends who are deep into retail therapy. You're right-we can OD on AD. Just in case you're interested-our therapy center had stuff marked down by 50%, then 40% off that, then because I admit to being a senior citizen I got an additional 15% off that. By the time I left the store I thought they just might owe me money.:-)
LOL, I did that at Macy's a few years ago, buying suits. (No senior for me.) But it was 75% off then something else if you had coupons. I really wondered if I had paid anything for the suits. Shopping therapy is wonderful. Just any little item to brighten your day. I have always done my Christmas shopping starting in June, so by Christmas I am very relaxed. I just look around for just the right thing for the right person. I love shopping like that, and no panic in December.
How about volunteer work? I am so happy to be out of the house, I can't tell you. I came home to a very mixed up person tonight & the contrast from my day was very obvious. My husband had bought a piece of pottery at an estate sale, for $20. He wants to put it on Ebay. I asked him where he got it, that's it. He went on a rampage about "you don't like the pot, you think it's stupid, I'm going to go outside and smash it on the front porch, etc." I said, I only asked where you got it. He kept screaming, my hands over my ears, oh my. Finally, no response from me, he went upstairs.
I was hesitant about the live support group so I had my girlfriend go with me. I said I wasn't going to talk I just wanted to be a fly on the wall and see what this was all about. After hearing some who wanted to talk about their LO and other didn't. No pressure just lots of support. Oh God what if I run into someone I know. Well all my fears about the unknown were washed away. They share, cry, hug, offer local agencies that do help with phone numbers and contact people. It is a lot like here but with cookies and punch as perks. No judging, no raised eyebrows, only support. Because of my experience with certain "helpful" NOT agencies the group leader will bring to light some of the road blocks that I encountered calling 911 for help with an Alzheimers diagnosed episide to the local people in charge for some fact finding I look forward to the monthly meetings because not all people our ages have computers and they have call me if you need me or just want to vent or whatever.