I haven't posted in a while, but I've been lurking almost every day. For some reason, I can't sign on at work, can only view posts, can't post myself. When I click on sign in, nothing happens, strange. And during the day is when I would usually post.
Anyways, I'm feeling very overwhelmed this week. I've got a lot to be thankful for right now. The Visiting Nurse Association sends a heath care worker every day for the two hours that DH is home alone while I'm at work after he gets home from his day program. Right now, my insurance is covering it, but possibly for a limited time. A social worker had to write a note to the Ins. co. to appeal to them that he needs the health worker as a medical necessity. I hope it all woriks out, it's sooo nice having him already cleaned and showered when I pick up the kids after work and get home at 6.
I just keep feeling so aware that I'm the chief "breadwinner" (DH and kids get SS disability, but I doubt we could live on that.) I started a new job that pays more in April, and I'm feeling stressed about work, having to learn new things after working at the same job for almost 10 years. I keep thinking, what if something goes wrong? What if I lose my job? How will we live? I could probably go back to my old job, but I'd make less, my insurance would change (no dental and our oldest already needs braces).
Sometimes, I feel downright panicky. I hate that so much is sitting on my shoulders. I feel like I'm raising our 3 kids pretty much on my own, although my sisters were enormously helpful with them over the summer when they were off (they work at schools) and on weekends. I can't even really leave our 2 year old with DH for any length of time. He can't keep track of him anymore.
This week I've just been feeling depressed, beaten down. But I know I should be grateful for what I have. DH brought home a "diploma" from his brain exercise program at his day program, graduation cap too. He seemed so proud and I told him I'm proud of him. But inside, I feel like screaming. This is a man who was a master of complex Accounting principles, traveled all over doing software implementations and training, taught me so much. Now, it's a major triumph if he can turn on a computer and do basic cognitive exercises.
I feel awful for feeling this way, but it's just so depressing. I feel hopeless some days, but I know I can't afford to wallow in that feeling.
Sorry this is so long. I haven't "vented" in a while, had a lot to get out there.
On a positive note, we may be getting an offer on our house. We've been trying to sell it for quite a while. If it's a good offer, I'll have to scramble to find a place, I had just about given up on selling, so wasn't seriously looking. I'll also have to see how I'm going to arrange services for DH in a new town.
Anyways, thanks for listening. I'll try to post from home more often. But even when I don't post, I'm here.
Kelly, good to hear from you. I know you are frightened, but you are doing the best you can. It is difficult for all of us to see our spouses slip into a new place of less performance. Glad to hear you might get an offer on your house. Keep us posted. It is a shock to our systems to realize we are responsible for everything, whereas before, the responsibility was joint.
Kelly, I know it is so hard to shoulder all of this responsibility. Always, it is difficult to start a new job, even under the best of circumstances. And you are doing it with all of this stress. But just give it time, the newness will wear off and you will get used to it. I started a new job a year ago in August and thought I was going to lose my mind for the first three months. The stress load was huge. But I just kept reminding myself that everyone feels this way at first and that eventually it would get better...and it did. I think you are strong and you can do it...one day at a time...you are in my thoughts!
Kelly, You have every right to feel overwhelmed...You are shouldering a burden that anyone would find difficult. And do let yourself feel proud of your man for his accomplishment. With his illness, for him to be able to complete those brain exercises, is every bit as much a task to be proud of as when he was able to implement software, perhaps much more so pour on the compliments and keep encouraging him. I know you are finding out your able to do so much more than you ever thought you would be able to do, I do hope the house can be sold , and that the new job goes well.
Kelly: Hang in there!! Don't give up -- all that your DH taught you will be helpful in these stressful times, and you will be encouraged by all that you DO know, in spite of how you are feeling!! You are brave, strong, and can do ALL that you need to do. I hope that you feel the prayers going up in your favor, and that the days ahead will be blessings for you, in spite of what lies ahead. As shoegirl said, one day @ a time...just keep plugging along & things will work out. Blessings to you & your sweet family!!
kelly, bless you and your family. i am having a difficult time of it,but our 3 children are grown. we have 2 young grandchildren 3 and 5 that we are very close to and are like our own children,so i can relate to the part about not leaving them alone with dh. you and your family are in my prayers also. jav
Kelly, since the others have commented on most of your post, I'll comment on what they haven't. The book I recommended on another thread, "The Secret" available by clicking on the link on Joan's Blog from yesterday, would really make you feel better. It teaches you not to worry about the future, as you are worried about losing your job, but that with positive thoughts, you create your own future. No, it can't take away dementia, but it can help you cope with it for yourself. Also, if you watch the very short movie "Joy" it makes you see that tomorrow truly is another day. Both are uplifting. We need to focus on as much positive as possible to prevent us from feeling overwhelmed. You really do have a lot on your plate, and anything that can make a shift in your feelings would be great. Will be thinking about you.
Kelly, like Kitty said, the others have commented on your post so I am going to help trouble-shoot your sign-in problem. Possibly there is a Pop Up Blocker on your machine at work. To check, go to Tools and look at the option Pop Up Blocker. Put your cursor on it and it should give you the option of turning it on or turning it off. See if this will help.
We went bowling with all of our children and grandchildren this weekend. DH did pretty well until the two 4-year-olds started getting a little crazy. This made him nervous. I can relate to a 2-year-old but my two little ones go home at the end of the day. Hang in there.