I did something this evening that is really out of character for me. I feel pretty bad about it, too. I know what I could have done differently, but I didn't do it.
I have a brother who has no sensitivity to anyone but himself. He's been angry his whole life. I can't remember him when he wasn't angry about something. I've listened to him rant and rave for so many years. He has lost his wife, his children, his career, and with the exception of one other person, he has lost all of his friends.
The last couple of weeks have been so stressful--getting a new roof, getting the Elder Lawyer and redoing our will, POA, Health Directives, etc. Made arrangements for us to be cremated when we die. Then DH surrendering his license and trying to sell two cars. All of these decisions are up to me now.
My brother called this evening and I mentioned that DH had given up his license and we had sold our pickup today. He wanted to know why he had given up his license and I told him that he had received a letter from the DMV telling him he had to come in for a driving test and he decided he didn't want to fool with it so he just gave it up. He started in on me. Wanting to know who had written the letter, why he didn't go for the test, etc. I trid to explain and he wouldn't let up. I ended up so stressed I couldn't stand it any more and I justhung up on him.
I know I should have thought up some other way of handling this but I've been trying to placate him my entire life and frankly, I'm sick of it and right now I don't care if I ever hear from him again. As luck would have it, his girl friend e-mailed me this evening and I told her that he is so ignorant of other people and how they might feel that I was going to let him be blissful in his ignorance.
I know I'm forgiven. But I'm still burned up over that treatment. And he knows AD is a progressive disease and that it is fatal--there is no cure and I feel pretty bad about it.
Thanks for listening! Seems like all I do is complain. I know I'm suppose to blow off steam but hope I'm not abusing the privilege.
Mawzy, Venting is good and this is the place to do it. So many people just do not understand. I think you handled it well. It is very easy for others not to see the whole picture. They don't live with it.
Mawzy, that you feel badly only proves what a caring nature you have. If it is of any help, I would have hung up on him too :) Your life is complicated right now. There is no easy out with your DH like hanging up a phone. You need to surround yourself with those who truly do understand and offer you a helping hand, not useless advice.
Try not to be so hard on your self, your doing wonderful! Please don't worry about "abusing the privilege" vent away :) Get it out, and move on to the next challenge. Thinking of you~Nikki
Mawzy, I would have hung up on him too but I probably would have told him where to go first! A former Pastor I knew had a sign in Latin....translated it said "Don't let the turkeys get you down" but he said the word wasn't really turkeys it began with a B. So don't let your brother or anyone else get you down it is noone elses business what we as caregivers do or say.
It's too bad that your brother is such an a*s, instead of being supportive, but that is what it is. i would have hung up too, you've got enough to deal with without dealing with him. I also wouldn't bother to tell him anything. Inasmuch as he refuses to 'get it' he's just not someone you need to confide in. and why not vent here, where else?
Thank you--all of you. Today is a much better day. I wrote on another thread that my new black kitty went under the bed and came out with dust bunnies haning on the tips of his ears and he was all gray from the dust. DH and I about died laughing at the poor thing. Then he got the sneezes from sniffing the dust. Poor baby. We petted him all clean and got him purring and life is good for all of us. Thanks so much.
My bro's lady-friend wrote me an e-mail last night shortly after I hung up on him and she was really sweet. I like her and I just pray she doesn't get stupid and marry him. He's really toxic. That's an ugly thing to say about your brother but it's true. She wanted to know how things were going. She was a care-giver for her 94 year old mother for many years until she passed away a few months ago. I didn't tell her much but did tell her that it was rather tedious here at times and I certainly don't need him to start in on me at all.
Mawzy, I also have a brother who can be a challenge. He and I were very close growing up and he has become so stressed and opinionated as he has gotten older. I still love him deeply but I am careful not to include him in specifics in my life. He doesn't seem to be as toxic as your brother but, I am sure, he can be every bit as challenging.
Just keep loving him, from afar if necessary, and keep the conversation about weather when he calls. Although we all would have hung up on him like you did, it still doesn't take away the pain of having one more thing on your mind.
In years past my older brother was less than likeable when he drank. I just couldn't tolerate his behavior. I felt I had to love him because he was my brother, however, I didn't have to like him. He has now stopped drinking, is the great guy he was when he wasn't drinking. I am trying to re-build somewhat of a relationship, however, it is hard to forget the past.