Can anyone that has dealth with an angry caregiver, help me understand what to do to help our Dad. part of me is ticked he has so much support and has all these years (and luckily our mom has been real easy to take care of) that he not only sets the whole day by cussing at what seems like minor issues and makes everyone feel like we should just leave him alone. His verbal anger is emotinally taxing and abusive. I personally drive 15 hours to see them, delaying my own back surgery so I can still go back and forth to see them. I guess I don't want to be recouping from surgery when I can still see my mom. My Dad does not belive in therapist and thinks depression is for weak people. Heck,he lived through the depression and fought several wars. This in probably the only war he can't get through. Any input is greatly appreciated. feel free to write me at danielle920392004 <at >yahoo.com or post on this site
First of all you are exhausted. And you've found a safe place to vent. And yes, venting is good.
Second the primary rule of caregiving is to take care of the caregiver. Has anyone given you any idea of how close to death your mother is? Because there is a limit on how long you can hold off on surgery when you need surgery.
It is possible that your father also has dementia. A lot of the things you are talking about including the anger, personality changes, bad judgement, and even the depression are pretty typical of early dementia.
From the sounds of it both your parents are well over 65. If your father lived through the depression he is well over 75. The kind of Alzheimer's that can be inherited is a version of Early Onset. If your parents were in their 40s or even in their 50s you might have something to worry about. But they aren't. You and your sisters have enough on your plates. You can take that particular worry off it.
So now what do you do? Well first of all you have a really hard talk with that doctor. What was he thinking?
The next thing you do is you AND at least one of your sisters take him to a doctor together and get your father evaluated. You are probably going to have to place him too since I doubt if he can take care of himself. He wasn't doing a good job of taking care of anyone else. You don't do this alone because from the sounds of it he has become violent, and it isn't safe to try to do anything with him alone.
The cussing and shouting is pretty typical of a dementia patient, expecially in the early stages when they know they are losing control. There are drugs, but it sounds like getting him to take them as long as he is living on his own is unlikely.
Danielle, I am so sorry for what you are having to deal with ....both your mother's AD and your father's unacceptable behavior and your back!
Starling gave you good advice and Joan will send you more.
My suggestion to add to what they have is this:
You and your siblings need to write a letter to your father's physician asking for an appointment and detailing everything your father has done and not done since your mother started on the AD road, and ask him for an appointment to have your father tested with an MRI and PET scan to see if he, too, possibly has AD. Keep a copy of that letter and if the doctor refuses to consult with you and your siblings and test your father, the doctor could be brought up before the local medical board. Having things in writing protect you and your siblings and you will have proof, should your father do anything that gets him sued, that you tried to get him help.