Today's (11/19/07) Blog deals with my husband's insistence that I tell him (over and over again) that we already had that conversation; you already asked that question. He says it helps trigger his memory, but lately it is not helping him remember at all. I think it is adding to his sadness and depression that he can't remember, so I have been considering stopping the practice. I invite you to read the Blog and help me out with your opinion and ideas.
This weekend, while going through the early-morning waking up routine at my brother-in-law's house in Boulder, Jeff asked me fully 5 times what I planned to do that day. Usually I just answer without mentioning that I gave the same answer 4 times already. Maybe I should think of something strange and different to respond with, just to keep it interesting.
Early in this disease I would remind my husband about having already talked about something. Along the way, I have stopped doing that. Reminding him of these things just seemed hurtful, because it also reminded him all day long about the changes that have happened to him. The funny thing is that this seems less hurtful and stressful for me, too. Since I have changed to where I no longer expect him to remember things, I'm able to be more patient. Still working on that part, but this helps.
I agree. In the first years, I would drill Gord on the day of the week, month, year. I was just determined that if I said these things often enough, somehow, magically, it would stay in his brain. Of course, it didn't work. I find it quite easy now to just repeat things over as if they have never been said. The odd time when I do lose my patience and remind him that we have already had that conversation, he is very hurt and I am buried in guilt. I can't see any point in letting them know that they have already asked that question or had that conversation.
The one thing about AD is it is unpredictable. At times if I say I told you already or I answered that question a few minutes ago it will jar his memory, other times he will respond "I'm sorry I'm so stupid and I don't remember" which of course makes me feel terrible. So I have learned just to answer his question as if it was new. It is better that way for both of us.
I also tried for several years to help my DH remember certain dates, time, events, etc. We all just try to have them hang on to what they have left for as long as possible, but, when I realized it was more hurtful than helpful, that is when I just let it go and if I was asked 3 or 4 times the same thing, I just answered it. He is in the Stage now that he no longer communicates, so that part has now passed, but, I do miss very much hearing his voice.
In 10/2003, my daughter was getting married and wanted her step-dad to walk her down the aisle as he raised her from a baby. Well, during rehearsal, he could not remember the smallest sentences to say and a couple of our relatives just kept on drilling him. Finally, I saw the frustration in his eyes, my daughter looked at me, and knew it was time to take Pop for a walk. They walked and I took everyone aside and just nicely explained to them that he cannot remember, no matter how much we try, it is what it is and we cannot change it. All it becomes it very hurtful and frustrating to him and of course, I would not have that. The Wedding was beautiful and he did get to walk her down the aisle and had the biggest smile on his face. She quitely prompted him when he gave her away at the alter and then I walked up and led him back to his seat. We as a family have learned to compromise and deal with the expected very well.
When our son married, I had an aide bring my husband to the wedding. My son & I walked down the aisle with his father, the three of us holding each others arms, a little untraditional, but that's what made us all feel good. Then I sat w/him thru the ceremony and he was fine. During the reception, the aide kept track of him as he wandered around so that I could mingle and from time to time he'd come back into the festivities. Fortunately the bride was more than willing to accept. Most people understood, or at least kept quiet, but it was important for us to all be together. Comprise, yes, and also a lesson in learning that you do what you have to do. So many niceties, traditions and things that have to be done a certain way just vanish in favor of getting on w/things.
This talk of weddings and the AD spouse reminds me of my daughter's wedding back in 1998. Everyone was seated in the church, mothers and grandmothers had been seated and we were waiting for my daughter and her dad to come down the aisle....As I turned to look, the doors to the church opened and I saw my husband heading down the stairs to the street and the wedding coordinator chasing him down....Oh my....what a day! He didn't have a clue, but he did walk her down the aisle and it must have made an impression on him because for the next few years he would ask her..."I walked you down the aisle, didn't I?" Heartbreaking.....
For the first years, Ralph carried a small notebook in his shirt pocket and he wrote everything down. He called it his memory. Then, I was his memory, asking me over and over again the same questions. I finally dropped "we have already talked about that". There are very few question now. I help him do the little he still can do. He likes to help and does some. Reminds me of my children trying to help me when they were pre-school.
My husband writes down words, names and things he wants to remember, all on little pieces of paper that are all over the place. I think giving him a little booklet might help that situation. I find it really hard to restrain myself from saying" I just told you that a minute ago or don't you remember". In fact I use that word "remember" far too much. It's retraining I need and I'm doing the best I can.
I am probably saying what you have told yourselves many times.....I wish my husband was still at the stage in Alzheimer's that he would be able to ask me questions again and again, and repeat his utterances over and over. He now does not verbally communicate at all, he used to be able to say,"I love you" but cannot do so any longer..Oh! how I wish I could hear him utter those precious words. I too used to get frustrated and impatient with him for his persistent questioning however, now I would be elated to be able to hear him talk. Treasure your spouse's communication even though flawed and difficult and remain patient. He/she will progress rapidly to the stage of non communication and you will miss their voice.
Carewife, you sound as though you are in the same stages that my dear Jim and I are in. How long has your husband been unable to communicate with words? My husband has been completely unable to talk for over one year now. It came in such small degrees that I did not know it was happening. We have been on this long road for 7 years now.
Please post and tell me how long your husband has been diagnoised and where you feel you are in the stages of this disease. Are you still careing for him at home?
Jane and Carewife, Bill is still able to say some words but there is no way he could sat a complete sentence. He is unable to come up with the correct word for what he wants to say. Sometimes I can figure out what he's trying to say but most times I can only guess. When ask how long he has had AD, I can't remember. I know he was showing noticeable signs nine years ago. So it has been longer than that. There is no longer "I already told you that" that phase has been gone for a long time. Now he doesn't ask.
Joyce43,thank you for your answer. Jim has been diagnosed for almost 8 years, and also showed signs before but we did not really realize there was a real problem. How long has Bill been diagnosed? Is he still continent? I have tried to think back and I would say that Jim has the same speech abilities as your Bill, some words but only here and there, never more than 4 words at one time, and as I type this post I am realizing that he no longer even says 4 words at one time, I guess this has been a gradual decline also. His speech has been all but gone for almost two years.
Joyce43, what stage do you put Bill in now? I am wondering if Jim is in stage 6 or 7 according to the GDS scale.
What is so strange to me is how the stages can change from one to another and the caregiver not even realize it has happened, at least that is what has happened to us.
Hi Jane, I would put Bill in a deffinate stage 6 with some stage 7. I have trouble remembering when He was first diagnosed (I ask his doctor last week when he first went on aricept, but his chart has grown so large that the information was in a different chart) I know there were noticeable signs nine years ago. I'm guessing it's close to eleven years. He is semi continent. He wears depends all the time now but he does go to the bathroom. The depends are always wet when I change them. I will ask if they are damp and he will say a little. Then I check and they are soaked. I feel so sorry for him because he will fold up toilet paper and put it inside the depends when he has his accidents. He doesn't understand putting on a clean pair but he knows they are not comfortable. Things do change so gradual that you don't realize it until all of a sudden you think he isn't doing that anymore. Or until the kids come home and ask when did Dad start doing that. Does Jim call things by the wrong name. Bill will tell me there is a guy in the room, meaning a dog. Or he will refer to a tree as a car, things like that.
Ralph get very frustrated when he tries to talk. He cannot find the right words so much of the time. It is the AD. He was diagnosed six years ago, but looking back I knew something was wrong ten years ago. His doctor at that time was no help, until we moved and I found a new doctor.
Aack! My post disappeared after I unloaded a bunch of @#$/. Paul and I had a more serious "event" today in part over repeat questions, or remarks. I do know he has AD, and I do know that with AD they can't help it. But there is a part of me that keeps refusing to believe it. We typically have issues where he will threaten to leave, but within a few minutes he doesn't even remember it. Well, today was the closest I got to calling 911. He was gonna leave again. Suddenly it turned. He was gonna throw me out and keep the kids. (Hmm, 15 and 17 year olds? I think not). Anyway, he goes on about how he has raised them and they aren't even his (Huh?). I just get so angry at AD because every hour of every day I'm being reminded of how much I'm losing, by witnessing what HE HAS LOST. We had alot of struggles along our way. After 40 years as a heavy drinker he went to rehab and quit to save our marriage, and he hasn't drank since then. We counselled with our pastor and beat the odds. When his son died I arranged everything from flying his sons body to us, organizing a memorial service so his co-workers, friends and family could attend, then flying his sons body across country so his sons mother could bury him in his home town. He was at my side during the very difficult, high risk deliveries of our two kids. Our family moved to our present home, which was built by my brother who died shortly after it was done. It meant everything to be able to purchase this home from my sister-in-law. And he forgets it all. He often asks me to repeat the details of hurtful, difficult times in our lives, and repeating so much, so often is like living through the hell all over again. I'm really questioning if I can continue to deal with this.
I am trying really hard to get rid of the ... you just asked me... Don't you remember? Most of the time I just keep answering the questions, but it is tiring and frustrating. And lately he has been asking me about our life together , how we met, when we married, etc. Yesterday he told me he never met my xhusband. Well, I'm glad he doesn't remember, but unfortunately, my xhusband is the father of my children, and he has been in our lives in an ongoing manner. Maybe it's good he doesn't remember him. When we have another family affair (graduation, communion etc) he can meet him again. (lol) But when I see what is in store, like him not being able to speak at all..... God, help me to be as good as i can be for him.
Chris, we are quickly passing the repeat question phase. About the only thing Bill will ask now is, "Where's Mother?" or Dad or Brother. He insists they were just here. I honestly tell him that I didn't see them. They must have gone before I come into the room. He only remembers those who are dead; he doesn't remember anyone still living. That includes me and our daughters. The only time he speaks now is to ask this question or to tell me he's going home. I, too, pray that God gives me the strength to take care of him. I also prayed that He would remember me. That one wasn't answered at least not with the answer I wanted.
I read a long time ago that God answers all prayers, just not always the way you wanted them answered.
New Realm I know what you feeling, all those questions & answers that makes us relive pain again. I keep saying GOD, I am not the right person for this job but HIS WORD says he will not leave us or forsake us and we have to keep up our faith. HE is our strong tower and our strength. Lets keep frogging it< Fully Relying on GOD. Easy to say, hard to do I know. I live this struggle daily Thanks for sharing, PAT