Yesterday's blog topic was on which stage has been the worst for you. For me, it was the beginning, when I had no idea why my loving husband turned into a stranger. There is a discussion topic on it. But in that discussion, I mentioned my previous blog of last May - "Undetected Alzheimer's Disease- A cause for divorce?" -http://www.thealzheimerspouse.com/ADdivorce.htm
Iggy read the "divorce" blog and said he was upset that he may have considered a divorce before figuring out that her symptoms were medical. He wondered if anyone actually divorced over the early symptoms and then reconciled when they realized it was AD. I am posting his question and my response below this post.
I will post that older blog again for the weekend, as I really think it goes along with Friday's about my opinion of the beginning stage being the worst.
I am inviting answers and comments. It is a very potent and timely topic.
Comment Author iggy CommentTime 11 hours ago edit delete Joang,
I read your blog entry - and broke out in a cold sweat. What if I had divorced her and then found out it was AD?? She has no living family members (an incredibly sad story on its own - her AD only completes one of the most unfortunate family histories I've encountered). I'm not hijacking this thread, please keep posting your impressions of the worst stage, but does anyone know of a couple that divorced and then it was discovered that one of the spouses had AD? (I guess I would have had to remarry her to protect her.)
CommentAuthorAdmin CommentTime4 minutes ago edit delete Iggy,
I looked back at that blog "Undetected Alzheimer's Disease - A cause of divorce?" , and noticed that there was not a discussion topic for it. I do know one member who did get divorced, not necessarily because of the early symptoms, but because of discord over other Alzheimer issues - it's not my place to comment on that. If she reads this and wishes to comment, she will do so.
However, since you thought of divorce, and I know another male member who was on the verge of walking out right before he figured out it was medical, I am going to start a topic on that now. I will move your last comment and this one into that topic. Let's see if we get any responses.
Before I knew Lynn had Alzheimer's... we had a bad fight and I went to stay with my sister. I was considering divorce as well, until he came over to talk with me and it was clear he had NO recollection of the fight . It was then I knew for sure something was drastically wrong. We saw a neurologist the very next day.
These early stages were indeed hard! But, we were still a couple. Even as hard as it was dealing with his changes and the emotional turmoil of coming to terms with the disease and what would happen. looking back now though .... It was still the best of our time in dealing with AD. As hard as it was then... I would give anything!! to be able to go back to that time now. *sigh
Iggy, I came very close to leaving, but didn't only because at the same time my daughter was getting married. It just seemed so very wrong to put that out there in the same time period that she was leaping (joyfully) into a marriage. It was incredibly hard to share that joy since I had lost all feeling of love and was feeling a little bitter about it. I figured I could hold out for a while longer since really, it only came down to living with a stranger in our house. There were no outbursts, rages or anything like that. He simply stopped being a part of our marriage. Done. Over. He couldn't respond to my needs emotionally or physically and never remembered that we even discussed them. It felt so hurtful. We were like roommates. Nothing I could do would warm things up and his job meant moving every few years. I decided I wanted off that train and would find something for just myself.
It was during the weekend of my daughter's wedding that things finally came to a head. He didn't show up at her house to take her to the church because he got lost trying to go to Target to buy a basket for the church. Then he got lost driving to the reception. Immediately after that I called and got him in for evaluation. Looking back, I know staying was the right thing to do. Having a name for what was going on helped so much for me to stay with him. That, and realizing that if I'd left, he would have crashed and burned. He'd have lost his job, gone broke and not understood a thing.
I certainly didn't want to tag along with an 'E' ticket on the Alzheimer's ride, but I did remember that we had many good years between us and that he didn't 'leave' me because he stopped loving me. Even tho I had stopping loving him, all those good years spoke for something and here I am. Four years after dx and who knows how long from the end of this tunnel? But, I'm here out of respect for all we did have together. He's still a good guy. He still is my roommate. I don't 'love' him anymore, but I certainly do care for him as a human being with whom I have a long connection. I'm here. I won't leave. It was the right choice for us.
Chuck & I divorced. It is hard for me to say whether or not AD had a direct role. I did not want to divorce but Chuck would not live with me and wanted to get divorced, so I really had no choice. Once Chuck was diagnosed, I asked him to move back in. I do not regret it. I felt it was the right thing for our family. We still love each other very much. However, I do not plan on remarrying him.
My sister-in-law asked one of her husband's AD doctors what he observed in his practice regarding divorce and early stage AD. He said it was not uncommon at all for couples to divorce in the early stages of AD prior to diagnosis because they did not realize what was the root problem. Oftentime once AD is identified, the couples will reunite.
I think this is an individual decision. It could be that it is more appropriate for someone else to care for the person with AD. Other people counseled me that I should consider this. In our case, we found that we could set the past behind, start anew and enjoy what was left of our time together. I think if Chuck had been more advanced in the disease or not agreeable or if I no longer wanted to be around him, this may not have been an option. However, I would never have abandoned Chuck even if he did not live with me.
I have filed for divorce and just waiting for the hearing. We've had a rocky marriage for 18 years but of his history of abuse. We were separated for 2 months this summer but he wasn't doing well with it and had lost weight and several friends had said he was like a lost soul. I took pity on him and let him come back but I talked to my lawyer about going ahead with it because if is too complicated with his kids and my kids. I am considering a legal separation which would allow for separation of the property but he could keep my insurance since he is on so many drugs. I think he is in Stage 4
Liz's posting sounds alot like my situation prior to diagnosis. My DH had turned into such a "jerk" (my two teenage daughters' words, I would have used something much stronger) that I had decided to leave him the summer of 2005, right after my oldest graduated from high school. I'm sure I would have left earlier but I didn't want to spoil her senior year. The month she graduated, he started "missing words"---for example, called the horses at our farm "those animals that are not cows"----I got on the internet, never suspecting AD since he was 52 at the time with no family history, and actually first found "semantic dementia" which is a form of FTD. And then, although I'm now not sure he really understood my ultimatum, I told him I was leaving him unless he saw a neurologist, and I guess he was scared enough about what was happening he agreed. What is really frightening to me is that he WAS seeing a psychiatrist who kept telling him it was just "stress and depression" and the psy. actually suggested to me that I leave my DH if he didn't get better. Once he started the testing, of course, I never considered leaving him, and I shudder to think what would have happened, particularly to our daughters, if we had started that process. Of course we had almost 20 pretty perfect years, and only the last 5 have been rough, most of which I can now attribute to the disease, so I realize every situation is different. I really think more family physicians and obviously even psychiatrists need to understand that persons can have non-familial AD at a young age. My DH's neurologist agreed that most psychiatrists totally miss such a diagnosis in young persons, particularly those in high-stress jobs, which my DH was. Now that he's retired, somewhat aware of what is going on, and not under so much stress, he really IS much nicer to all of us (except for the driving, but much has been written about that!), so I'll probably post on the thread about stages also, since so far our pre-diagnosis stage was MUCH worse than what we are dealing with now, although I realize the worst is yet to come. As Liz said, I wouldn't have chosen this ride, but neither would have my DH, so I need to stick by him. And I'm lucky because my daughters not only totally support all my decisions, they understand that all three of us need to work together as a family to support him, and in some ways, to salvage the many happy family memories we have of him prior to this awful disease.
I came very close to a divorce before I understood what hap pend to my DH. He was never a very easy person to live with but we did all right. After he retired he kind of mellowed out a bit. The about 5 years ago I noticed changes in him. We fought a lot and he yelled at me a lot and always knew everything, even when he was wrong. It got really bad about three years ago. I talked to his doctor about the changes I noticed in my DH and that he didn't act himself. Well after all the test were in, he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. That of course kicked me in the gut. Divorce was out, since he would not been able to take care of himself and he would have just wasted away. So I made the best out of a bad situation and we had at least one year were we could still enjoy life a little. He now is late stage six. This is one disease I would not wish on my worst enemy.
Another sad thing is that the caregiving spouse gets sucked into this abyss that effectively diminishes the quality of their life for x number of years and (according to published statistics) takes y number of years off their life span. I can't think of another disease that has such a protracted effect on the lives of the afflicted and the caregiver. (My father had NSC Lung CA - it was a very difficult two years for my dad and step-mother. But we are now in year 5-6 of AD with no end in sight.)
My LO has JUST been diagnosed with beginning AD. I have seen something amiss with him since 1990s. He is 68 now. Behavior change, he was an executive with an excellent record, education and experience - got fired from 4 jobs over ten years, nothing wrong with him - just wanted me to go away, didn't want to be married, drastic changes in our intimacy both emotional and physical. He was so ugly, demeaning that I divorced him.
He always has been my sweetheart and I wasn't interested in dating - and he didn't either. We had very little contact during that time. He was in a wreck - which I think he caused - on the highway and the car was mashed into pieces and he walked away with not a scratch. He called me after the wreck and said that there was nothing that we couldn't work out - so we tried again, but I still saw episodes of this bizzare new behavior.
I drug him to every doctor I could find - finally was diagnosed with severe clinical depression - had to be hospitalized and have ECT treatments. Was not depressed after that, but had the energy then to be mean as a snake. I got sick - herniated dics in my neck and needed bed rest for three months. He offered to come live with me and take care of me to make things up to me - which he did, but still episodes that I attributed to couples problems. We did remarry. Went to every marriage therapist that would see us and it was always my fault because he has the ability to be boyish and charming to others when he chooses.
He had three severe heart attacks three years ago and the "episodes" began then to be ongoing without spaces of normalcy between them. A lot of our contentions were because he was always accusing me of not telling him something or I remembered something that he didn't. We went to the neurologist and she gave him the diagnosis of MCI and aricept. Things got a little better, but he started doing things that were careless - saws, hammers, etc, and he wound up in the ER too many times. Finally convinced him to quit his job and give up our corporation before we got sued for his bad work.
Three months ago he got the diagnosis of AD and Namenda was added and his antidepressant was changed to Lexapro and his psychiatrist gave him the additional diagnosis of intermittent explosive disorder.
There is a God in Heaven. Sounds awful, but I was and am so happy that now we know what was wrong and finally have professionals that see the problem. So yes, we divorced legally, but never in my heart - and I am so happy and grateful to be with him to take care of him. He was told last week not to drive so now we are joined at the hip and his moods and demeanor have changed to his old sweet self. Don't know how long it will last, but I am grateful for every second.
I don't regret divorcing him. I think if we had stayed together we would have probably driven each other crazy trying to get along as the married couple we used to be - I think we needed time apart for things to jell. I am sorry for the need for it.
Twice, before I knew we were dealing with a brain condition, I dragged DH to marriage counselors. Each time, after 2 or 3 visits, I was told to divorce him. Love is a funny thing, I could not even begin to know why some stay, others leave, I only knew that I could not leave. He was not violent at that time, I just wanted him to see the problem and 'change.' But, of course, he couldn't see the problem and, to be honest, I could never really describe it. I would be asked 'what's the problem, give me an example' and when I did, I felt like I was describing a breeze, it didn't sound right, it was so lame. I'd think to myself, 'Well, dummy, what IS the problem?' But I had no answer, I just knew that I was being creeped out by the man I dearly loved! How weird is that! The counselors obviously saw something (they didn't know from AD either) and knew it could not be fixed. I had a home, I had children, I didn't want to lose or disturb any of that. I had worked, I could work outside the home, but I didn't want to be a working mom & he a week-end father--terrible for the kids. I knew I loved him, so I stayed. As things got worse I wanted to run away--not from him, but from the disease. I'd scream to the air, 'Just give me back my life.' And then he became so vulnerable, I couldn't be angry at him and I couldn't leave any more than I could walk out on a toddler. I have no regrets for what I did--regrets about the situation, of course, but not for my decisions. And I absolutely, 100% would never condemn anyone who left, I understand it all too well.
I was very close to divorce when my LO was diagnosed. I were only married about 2 years before he started to show symptoms.. I wasn't sure if i had made a bad decision or if something was wrong with me. i tried to fix me, but it didn't work. it kept getting worse. I thought i was crazy, in fact one of our doctors told me it was my fault since i am such a type A personality. That same doctor kept telling me my LO needed to do yoga. Three and a half years later, after he was diagnosed i realized i could never abandon him even if i wanted to. he doesnt have any family that can take care of him for various reasons. its a tough life, cargiving. he is only in stage 4 maybe moving into 5 but he destoys alot around the house which is hard becuase its hard enough for me to keep up with the housekeeping and working trying to support us. i just dont have time to undo all the messes he makes. But i do. and i still love him. but i really miss the man i married. i really miss having someone take care of me, or even participate in the running of the family. i just dont feel like i could live with myself if i didn't give it my all and care for and love him to the end. so i will....
Welcome to my website. Your post is similar to so many of us who have been in your shoes. Please read the blog that prompted this discussion - http://www.thealzheimerspouse.com/ADdivorce.htm
Our first neurologist, who misdiagnosed my husband, also said it was ME. I was a speech/language therapist, and I dealt with adolescents who had memory/language/behavior problems. I knew a problem when I saw it, and I saw it with my husband. The neurologist said I was "projecting" onto my husband what I saw with my clients. By the way, I am also a Type A personality. The great neurologist we found when we moved to Florida, still tells the story of when he first met me. He said he knew what could and could not be done for my husband and his Alzheimer's, but he went home and told his wife that I was going to be the problem. Type A and anal - not good when dealing with AD. He was going to have a long road to teach me to "go with the flow". After 2 years, he told me that I was a good student - that I had finally learned my lessons well.
Another of our members, Laura Jones, said the doctor recommended yoga for her husband.
You have come to a place of comfort for spouses/partners who are trying to cope with the Alzheimer's/dementia of their husband/wife/partner. The issues we face in dealing with a spouse/partner with this disease are so different from the issues faced by children and grandchildren caregivers. We discuss all of those issues here - loss of intimacy; social contact; conversation; anger; resentment; stress; and pain of living with the stranger that Alzheimer's Disease has put in place of our beloved spouse/partner.
The message boards are only part of this website. Please be sure to log onto the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com - and read all of the resources on the left side. I recommend starting with "Newly Diagnosed/New Member" and "Understanding the Dementia Experience". If Early Onset applies to your husband, there are 4 sections for EOAD members - two of which focus on the young teens whose parents have EOAD (early onset AD). There is a great section on informative videos, and another excellent resource - Early Onset Dementia - A Practical Guide. You can go to the top of this page, click on "search", and type in EOAD, making sure the "topic" circle is filled in. All of the EOAD discussions will come up - there are about a dozen of them.
Do not miss the "previous blog" section. It is there you will find a huge array of topics with which you can relate. There is a "search" feature on the home page that allows you to look up different topics that may have been explored in a previous blog. Log onto the home page daily for new blogs; news updates; important information.