I know-I know: if you've met one AD patient you've met one AD patient. My husband was terrible about having his license pulled. After an amazingly short time he forgot about the whole issue. Perhaps Sid will do the same. The other day I was leaving our club house. A rather fragile looking older couple were also leaving. They held hands walking across the parking lot. He opened the car door for her and closed it after she was safely inside. It is things like that when I want to cry. I visited Bill today and chatted to a nonresponse person with dead eyes. It isn't fair.
Everything is always up to the well spouse. Frustrating, isn't it?
bluedaze, I live in a 55+ community. There they are, the well couples, walking up and down together. Holding hands. Having fun.
...[sigh]... I didn't get that even before dementia. He NEVER held hands. Makes things difficult now that he walks 20 feet behind me. We didn't walk together much either. I couldn't keep up when I was using the cane. Can't keep up now either. We did have some fun though and even managed it together. Sometimes, we still do. But I know it won't last and then that will be gone too.
Joan, it is not funny but I found myself smiling as I read your post, for the memories it brought back. I have often said, the hardest thing I have ever tried to do .. is to try to explain to someone with Alzheimer's that not only they have it, but how it impacts every aspect of their life. Like you, I learned you just can't do it.
Lynn is in late stage 6, and STILL to this day insists nothing is wrong with him. Bless his heart. In this one respect, I am grateful to Alzheimer's.... I am so thankful he has no idea what is happening to him. That he thinks he is fine, use to bug the hell out of me, now... now it is a blessing.
I roll with the tide now, very little upsets me. I am thankful for what we DO have, and try to rarely visit all we have lost.
Just want to say how much I admire your outlook. Staying peaceful yourself will do wonders for your own health and emotional wellbeing, I'll bet. I say that knowing already how difficult it is to maintain that calm, and we are in a much earlier phase of dementia.
The therapist I've been seeing for a few months tried at first to get me to confront my DH with his DX and outlook so that he could grieve with me, but I was convinced that it was not the right thing for us. For starters, I didn't think he would "get it" and also I figured his stubborn nature would have him saying, "No, not me!" And I also couldn't bring myself to put a veil in front of some of the retirement hobby projects he has so looked forward to. I gave her a printout of a thread from this site that related to AZ patients not really comprehending what was happening to them, and I think she learned something new. Anyway, she has accepted my position. Your comments reaffirmed my decision. Keep taking care of yourself.
Hi Susan, and welcome! As you have already found out, this is a fantastic site :) Good for you for following you instinct. It amazes me some of the things people in the medical field advise! Confront him, and grieve together. How can you do that with someone who doesn't have the capability to understand something is wrong with them? Or if they are in an early enough stage that they do know what Alzheimer's is, how do you do that, when though they know they have a problem, they can't understand how it impacts more than just their short term memory? That would have went over like a lead balloon! I am glad you brought in that post, if more doctors would listen to the caregivers, they might actually truly learn something useful.
I learned long ago not to argue back. Not to bother reminding him he had already said that same thing 50 times. etc etc … It did nothing but further upset him, and frustrate me. It was a hard journey, but eventually we all learn how to stop feeding their fire, and just smile and nod. Life is so much easier when you manage to master the skill.
I learned too, that I can not control Alzheimer’s…. all I can control is how I let it effect me and our lives. Alzheimer’s has robbed us of so many things, I refuse to allow it to tarnish the time we have left together. I live in the here and now. Not in the past or the future. When I get to feeling bad for myself… I stop and take note of all the things we do still have. Is it what I have wished for? No. Can I change it by ruining my today’s with my worries and grief? No. So, Today, I am at peace.
Susanhere, what IS it with therapists? My doctor thought I should see one to get tips on how to deal with stress ... I had a meltdown during my annual physical, due to a whole bunch of things piling on at once, on top of my husband's diagnosis ... and I agreed to give it a try. I took my husband along, figuring (a) I couldn't leave him alone and (b) he might find tips on dealing with stress useful, too. The therapist promptly announced that I didn't need stress relief techniques at all, what I needed was to work with her to deal with grief over my husband's pending death. He's sitting right there, mind you, listening to the whole thing. And she wouldn't back off even after I made it clear this was NOT a conversation I wanted to have in front of him.
The really strange thing is that the patient being unaware of one's problems used to be THE symptom doctors used to diagnose AD. My husband's neuro is still of the opinion that AD patients never realize they have problems (although most practitioners realize now that many patients do know something is wrong.)
I've always felt the way Nikki does -- my husband is blissfully unaware how much AD impacts him, and I'd just as soon keep it that way. I think it's a blessing. He knows he has AD (the neuro made sure of that), he read up on it when she made the diagnosis, and he's in studies at an AD research center. He just isn't totally convinced she was right, and he doesn't think he's all that bad yet, or that he ever will be.
If your therapist needs any further educating, the name of the symptom (unawareness of decline or difficulties) is "anosognosia" and she can get a good article on it at:
I cannot tell you how often my husband says to me... what's wrong with me. Somethings wrong with me... even now, and I'm guessing he's at stage 6, at least in some catagories, he knows there is something wrong. (Of course, he doesnt see it as interfering with his ability to drive) but he does know that there is something seriously wrong. Now that we have "lost" his driver's license and are still looking for it() Driving won't be on the table for awhile. I don't dare ask another doctor to mention driving inasmuch as we have so far fired 2 doctors. Tomorrow, we go to lool at an adult day care center. I'm hoping to send him 2 days a week, just so he'll get some stimulation. Otherwise he sleeps all day. I don't know how this will work. It's a multigenerational place where they also have children. he likes kids, and he does very well in social situations, so we'll see what happens. I'll keep you all posted.
Nikki, I developed the attitude that if I've lost something, then at least I had it at one time. Before my DH stopped talking, we used to tell ourselves at least we used to have money. Some people never have money. I guess that can be applied to other things, too. Better to have had it and lost it than never to have had it at all.