Lately I have been stressed to the limits, at work and at home. Tonight I decided to take a long bath and have a glass of wine. My husband follow me upstairs as soon as he heard the water running. I told him I was going to take a long, hot bath and soak in the tub. He had that look in his eyes and I told him I wanted to soak in the tub by myself. Like I expected, he took it totally personnel. He left the room as if he was banned from seeing me again. I tried to let it go but after I got out of the tub, he's been moping around. I just need some time to relax for me. Sigh . . . .
Calgon didn't take me away either. I want my money back! Diane, you DESERVE some you time. Eventually, you will learn NOT to feel guilty about it, and just enjoy it! A little moping wont hurt him, enjoy your bath :)
That mopey, sad look is really manipulative. I'm ALMOST but not quite immune to it. I just say 'no' and carry on. I do get a lot of "why not" and 'You're mean" but that's ok. I really can just ignore that like I did when the kids were little. Back then it almost amused me unless I was really tired, then if they didn't quit, I'd give them a nice smack on the behind. Can't do that here. I might get arrested. Too bad. Some days I think it really might work. Oh well, I'd guess that the majority of the time things are ok here. I'm really sorry that you're sad tonight, Trisinger. I hope you can get a bit of rest.
I have to lock DH in our master bedroom when i bath too as i can 'see' him from the bathtub or else he turns 'hooligan' on me and seems to do this EXACTLY when he knows i want to do something for myself. like talk on phone or take a bath or do a facial. anything i do without paying constant attention to him. even my SIL noticed he gets in between me and whoever i talk to in person to break contact-plus when i am trying to type now here he will go up to the TV and stand in front so i cant see and wont budge. so my strategy for the bath time is to save some food snack he especially loves when i bathe and give it to him sitting where i can see him. it works well so far. like icecream/cookies/jellybeans/any sweet stuff he goes bonkers and forgets to be a peeper:) plus sometimes i throw in a new gadget he may like, the last one was a pocket watch on a chain. he loves this one. find something they like and use it to your advantage! divvi
i have to say it again, Divvi, you are remarkable. How do you keep coming up with all this stuff. Guess I need to copy and keep it for future reference. Amazing.
all i can say its survival techniques! you come up with whatever works for that instance - not sure if they could be hypotized or not but they do respond to Dr. Pharmaco's magic:))
and with all the blissful sugary treats my DH gets at my bathtime, he's almost in sugar coma and looks sooo smiley- almost hypnotic.:) divvi
That is a perfect example of what I have previously discussed about "stages". They are going backwards through the child developmental stages, and one of the best ways to handle their behavior is to remember how you handled it when your children were going through it. I don't know about you, but I remember locking both myself and my toddler in the bathroom (so he couldn't escape) while I took a shower. I sat him on the floor with toys to play with to keep him occupied. Worked then. Works now. Slightly modified, but it works.
exactly, and it does work! divvi or i give him a magazine with stuff to buy and ask him to find one he likes and circle it for me to get for him..takes him forever to look thru the mags! well you dont always have to order-but it does pass the time while you bathe!
I guess I need to try some of these ideas. It is so new to me to tream my husband like a child but it sounds like that is the way it becomes. I just hate the pouting and the getting angry. It drives me nuts.
My husband has never hovered or shadowed me and he doesn't get into things. He will strip in the bedroom and walked naked into the shower and turn on the water in the tub, sit on the bathstool, can't remember to turn it to hot or turn it to shower and leaves the shower curtain open. By then I hear him and go do the shower for him. Then I have to help him dress. He would not look at a magazine or fiddle with a watch. Just not interested and sits in his recliner and naps.
Thanks, Bluedaze. What I can't understand is how I can totally understand this situation one minute and not the next. I see her declining, I know she will pass, I know I want her suffering to end, and I totally understand that this will not end with a miracle cure. The next minute I am choking up because I am terribly afraid she will leave me forever. But she's already left me forever!!! All I have is a shell! Why am I fighting so hard to keep a shell?
WHY won't I let myself let her go? How can I accept the decline, but not the end of the road?
As has been posted before, so many times, so poetically....this SUCKS.
Oh trisinger! Your post has me in tears... I am so sorry for the hell you are going through For me, it is the little glimpses, a twinkle in the eye, that keeps me holding on. I know I can't stop the progression, but damn it I have to try. I can't let go either. In a way, I envy those who say they have detached themselves from their LO. I can't do that. Sounds like you can't either......... for what it is worth, I am so sorry you are hurting and would take it all away if I could. Thinking of you, Nikki
trisinger-the answer is so simple. Death is forever. It is the end of all hope and dreams. I was just at a Jewish Heritage Club meeting. They showed a DVD of a interactive project between children and adults of a Temple and a rehab center. The children visited the center on a regular basis and were able to develop strong relationships with the residents. The kids lost their fear of the impaired elders and started to respect them for their knowledge. While uplifting I wanted to cry because there is no respect with AD. There is no dignity. While at the meeting I found out that the mother of one of the members had just died. My friend was hoping her mother could leave her misery and pass on. Now that it has happened my friend is devastated. We think we have done our grieving and are ready-but we aren't. I know this doesn't really help but--------- Nora
Trisinger and nikki, my Bob is my third arm. I cant let go and often in denial. The twinkle is gone now. His eyes, when they are open, have a look (to me) as though, whats happening? I don't pity him for his helplessness, I just long for him back like he once was. We need tear resistant computers..
So sorry Trisinger, the pains associated with a long death are overbearing. the ugly head of AD is now passing and the finality of the end is near and it frightens us so. i have thought many times what will i do when this happens. the fear of the continuance of life without them after so many tangible yrs of companionship, has an issue in all this sadness- it choaks me up every single time just thinking about it much less actually coming to terms with it. i am soo sorry, you will endure but its never easy. our minds say one thing, the heart another- my best, divvi
I can't think about it too long without getting distraught either. He may not be all that he was, but he is still "my Lynn" and I will never be ready to let him go. The reason I finally posted on this site a few months ago, was because I was told he was terminal and if he got an infection etc, I didn't have to treat him. It just floored me. I am not in denial, I know it will come... but I am not prepared to deal with it just yet. I can't.
I am a bit of a smartass.... my family asks me all the time what I will do when Lynn passes. When my dad passed in March, I had a breakdown . I love with all I am, and therefore hurt that way as well. So they worry about what will happen when Lynn passes. At a recent family gathering, after hearing this question at least 5 times ... I said well, I imagine the first thing I will do is bury him! That shut them up, lol
I guess it is because we get those little twinkles back now and again. I go visit her, and she'll just stare. So I think, "I'm ready."
Then I'll go one day, and all of a sudden she'll look up, smile, and give me a kiss, and say "Hi!" and all I can think is "No! More time! We need more time!"
Those little moments are sometimes even more cruel.
Trisinger, I have no words of wisdom… nothing to take away your hurt. I can only offer you my deepest sympathy and hope you know you can share as much as you want to, or need to, to help you through this. Thinking of you ~Nikki
I too am pretty much still attached to my husb...we go along just fine (sort-of) until some "new thing" happens & then it hits me like a ton of bricks that this is really a terminal disease. The heartache is a come & go thing, like many of you have described -- the twinkle is there; then it's diminished; then it's back...i get really excited when he "knows me well"...and pretty discouraged if he doesn't. Sometimes it's hard to tell because I think he still is able to cover up if he doesn't really catch on to what I'm saying. I try not to cry but like I said, when the "changes" come, it is just unbearable.
BTW, on the 'tub soaking' issue, i tried to get a shower the other nite & he was "FINE" in his chair...i was i the shower maybe 2 min & I heard this loud bang/crash noise...ran out of the shower & discovered him in our closet with the door closed! Never has he ever shut that door...so irritating that we cannot have a 'moment'...i would try the treats, but he can't eat by himself any longer those things like pudding, icecream or jello...even M&M's in a little dixie cup the other nite, he just got a few & then put it down...they are his fav's...very sad. One thing that we bought @ Walgreens was a "Googly Ball"...it's rubbery & has little prickly thingies all over it...very entertaining & he seems to like the "touch" of it :)
natsmom, could you try one of those big colored suckers he could hold and just lick while you bathe??? any port in a storm! my but they do love the sweets. divvi i also saw my DH in awe one day at the store over the windup mobiles for infants, it was sad to think that is what catches his attention but the music and movement entertained him. it may be another source at some point. divvi