A friend told me that she had decided to leave her husband. She knew she was leaving, so she didn't confront him on his behavior anymore. Instead, she described sitting in a hot tub with him and visiting as friends, with all the need to be combative or to try to fix things in the marriage gone. She, and he, knew in a month she would be gone. She called it "loving him gone." She recommended I try that in dealing with my DH. It occurred to me that this phrase could be useful in dealing with an AD, FTD, etc. spouse, and the hurtful things that they say to us.
I have had difficulty grasping the meaning of this term. To you, what does "Love him gone" mean?
"Loving him gone" means to me, that I disassociate from all the VaD crap. I still care deeply about him and look out for him, but less and less of the dementia behavior has the power to raise my ire. Things happen and I deal, but I don't blow up over things that aren't anyone's fault--they just are. There is no sense in driving myself around the bend over things he has no control over anymore. He flipped the breaker for the freezer off and forgot to flip it back on. We lost 4 packages of chicken tenders. It happened. He didn't do it deliberately. You can't un-spoil the food. You have to LET IT GO. By doing this, I can concentrate on taking care of him, providing things he likes to eat, and being sure he is healthy, etc. without resentment. There are times I forget, and let the negatives in, but when I get back to separating him from the VaD in my mind, this works well for me.
It meant to her that there was no longer any need to struggle with the relationship, nor the man, since the relationship was over and all that needed to be done now was the leaving.
In "loving him gone" with a sick DH, I would think it would mean that this man is sick, and his days are coming to an end whether soon or whether later. So love him gone by not rising to his taunts, rages, etc., knowing that soon he will be gone. Treat him like a dying patient, which he is, and so love him gone, as he "gets gone" over to the Other Side.
It's the same concept, to me. The last word, whether it's gone, or crazy. To me it means love him as he goes through it, whether it's dying, or leaving, or progressing along the path of dementia. It's saying, okay, DH, I won't struggle with you anymore in this relationship. I will, instead, accept the reality of what is, and help you through it rather than struggle with you anymore, ie, try to get you to treat me well instead of raging at me. You are sick, and I accept that, and I will help you as you progress through your terminal illness, whether it be dementia, cancer, diabetes, or whatever.
I think we all have a "term" or catch phrase we have used for this. Mine is differnt than yours, but the concept is the same. Mine is Lord give me strength! lol
B's daughter was here to visit this weekend, I think it was very difficult for her to see her Dad this way. She told me it is hard to deal with the anger she feels. I know what she was saying. I felt angry for the last two years...it's like you are mad at them for leaving you to deal with all of this. I did tell her that eventually I worked thru most of my anger and now feel much more compassionate. (Which is not to say I never feel angry...it's just no longer my dominant feeling)
My attitude is my decision and I choose to be happy.
Last year I did a free online program called Tools to Life. Most of it wasn't really appropriate at my time of life and situation of life, but one thing stuck with me. The owner of the program told a story about a person working for an abusive boss. I've done that so it really hit me. Someone told that person that in 2 weeks they would have a totally different job and would never need to see that boss again. For those two weeks the employee just let the abuse roll right off her back. It just didn't matter. In 14 days, 10 days, one week, 3 days, tomorrow, she would never have to see him again.
And then she was told that the new job had fallen through. She was devastated.
Now what was actually different. There wasn't going to be a new job. The only thing that was really different was the employee's own attitude.
Every morning I remind myself about several things and one of them is:
My attitude is my decision and I choose to be happy. It really is my choice most of the time. And it works.
Starling-you are so right. While we can't control the action we can control our reaction. Joshua Bell is playing Ave Maria on his violin on the radio right now and I can soar!
I agree starling. Though I will give credit where credit is due... seroquel! It has made caring for Lynn simple now. My stress on a scale of 1 to 10.... went from 500 to a mere 8. Having a pleasant day is my choice, but it is MUCH easier when I don't have to deal with the daily aggression.
Starling, please pipe that ability thru to me..I so need it. It is exactly what I WANT to be able to do, but cannot. It is like compartmentalizing things, which is great in theory, but never has worked for me. Tonight is a S##*#T night, and I would truly like to have a happy night instead...mind over matter stuff? Teach me, Yoda!
I'm with Starling. I cannot control what anyone else says or does. I can only control myself (some of the time). I have reached the point where I am more compassionate and I give credit for a lot of it to this site. I've learned so much here and knowledge is power. I wrote someplace else I'd never heard of shadowing but I read of it here/ When DH started doing that a while back, I wasn't surprised at all. I knew what it was and figured it was just another phase.
Karen37--is there any way you can just get up and walk away? Ignore it? I know that sounds crazy, but it's just a thought. Here's a hug but I wish I could help more.
It really is a some of the time kind of thing. It isn't all that easy, or even possible some of the time, to stay calm and happy. But I can stop telling myself bad or sad stories when things are going OK. I can make sure that I've done everything I can do financially, including any HIPPA document I can think of, and then stop worrying about what will happen when things change. I can be grateful that I'm not dealing with wandering or incontinence or the need to make sure that someone is with my husband at all times now. And not worry about how I will deal with it later.
A lot of it is mind over matter in my opinion.i think at some point i realized i had no more control over what the action was but was my reaction should be for my own well being. that being said, it was not an easy process to acheive and still lose it somedays when its overwhelming or other added stress issues surface. Love him gone to me means as it is written, always relishing and remembering in my heart,the loving 'gone' parts of him even though the mind is gone and the empty body still remains. we cant just turn off the love we shared during the many yrs together but rather visit it it our minds frequently to remind us how we cared for each other -then the bare reality of it sets in when we invision how they actually are physically today. realizing that those times are gone and the finality of it all, puts the daily conflicts into perspective and somewhat easier to tolerate. divvi
Ditto what Starling and Divvi said..... I picture a loose net of a million wires, electrically charged, sparking at different times in my husband's brain. When my husband of 47 years started acting like a different human being, and got angry, had no consideration or compassion any more, I knew that my husband was no longer in that body. That netting had taken over. It first produced a teenager who could only think of driving, food and sex; then was replaced by a five year old who hid food (chocolate covered doughnuts) and watched movies and played games; and now a 2 year old who has to be watched to make sure he doesn't put dishes up wet, doesn't stay outside too long in the heat; and can't turn on the faucets in the bathroom, or remember to brush his hair.
Like Starling, I resolved to have fun and make the most of the time I have left with my husband (that sweet little boy in my husband's body). I work, so I'm not with him during the day Monday through Friday, but in the morning I fix his cup of coffee, give him his breakfast and medicine, and put in one of his favorite movies into the DVD player before going to work. I go home for lunch and fix it and make sure he eats, then put in another movie. When I get home, I play hide and seek (finding the objects he has invariably moved from one room to another); pour us a glass of wine and I have a one-way conversation with him. If I get smiles out of him, I'm happier. <grin> I give him his evening medicine with dinner and he watches another movie, then he goes to bed (about 8:30 -9) and I come here (to Joan's place). I get to bed between 11 and 12 every night. He dozes during the day and during the night.
I've been where a lot of you are now, and as I have stated before, arguing doesn't do anyone any good because they don't understand any more. You are not going to get through. You are just going to upset yourself even more until you realize that only YOU can make you happy and that they can't help how they react or talk any more. I know that it is hard, and sometimes impossible - try redirecting the argument by mentioning something off the wall like "I was thinking of getting a new _________ - what do you think?" or "Should we paint this room blue?" and see what reaction you get....say it with a smile that reaches your eyes... Let me know what happens....
Sometimes, as Mawzy said, you can say in their face (very up close and personal) "that is not acceptable" or something similar so that they hopefully can get that through that network of wires. I don't break down very often, and my last outburst, which was aimed at my daughters that my husband overheard because we were all in the car together at the time, was that I was at the end of my rope with everything - being up all night some nights, trying to get him to come back to bed after going to the bathroom instead of thinking it was time to get up at 3 am, and my lack of sleep trying to manage him at night - that if he didn't start staying in bed that I would leave and they could take over! You know, it got through.....to him...and he had not left the bedroom at night since and waits for me to get up before he does! This has been going on for two months now! But I am loving him though he is gone (in the brain - the body is still with me).
I seem to be able to maintain a calmness for now. Hard telling what tomorrow will bring. But, I wish I could get over the agnst about what's down the road. I've done the Elder Lawyer thing--POAs, living wills, cremations for us when we pass, working on the VA for his service papers if there are any, checking with AARP regarding LT care or the equivalent....There's just so much to do and I'm scared I'm going to forget something and maybe die and leave a big mess for the kids. my eye sight is getting terrible. I need to sell two cars, cancel insurance policies, order kitchen tile and carpeting. Get the blinds in the living room cleaned etc. before my eyes get worse....and there's no end to it and. I'm sorry but tonight everything just hit me. I think I've been some kind of a pollyanna all this time and Sunday while I was in church the magnitude of the loss--his AD and my eye sight --just seemed to be so huge and I believe with all my heart that the only people that really know what I'm talking about is you folks and I feel like I'm just being a big whinner. Ugh! I hate what all this is doing to us and I hate being dependent. I think I'm not being grateful for the blessings we do have. I seem to be concentrating on the unfortunate stuff. I'd like to go for a nice long drive but, you see, I can't drive any more and that bugs me, too. And I'm the one who turned in DH to the doctor who turned him into the DMV and now neither one of us drive. Taking the bus while the weather is nice is not so bad, but I'm sure not looking forward to standing on a street corner in the rain. Well, thanks for coming to my pity party. I think I'll go to bed and try and get some sleep.
Sorry Mawsy, you are feeling low tonite. hope today brings better weather and feelings! it is overwhelming contemplating all the stuff that needs to get done and know we are the only ones left to do it. i have to paint baseboards and caulk today:) we keep having to tell ourselves these ARE the good times now, as getting farther into the journey doesnt improve any. just take one job at a time, divvi
Mawzy, I don't think the way you're feeling has to do with not being grateful for the blessings you have, or whining. It's a mind set that is very easy to get into, that kind of feeds on itself. The one and only good thing the therapist did was to talk to me about this. You start focusing on a problem, all the things that could go wrong, and sort of build a whirlpool that sucks you down. You DO get overwhelmed, start to feel like nothing is going right and there's no way out.
So the thing to do is learn to recognize when the whirlpool is starting to form, and stop it in its tracks. Instead of thinking about what could go wrong, try to think about what might go right. Try to imagine the best that could happen ... finding ways to get things done, to solve problems, to find friends and neighbors and family pitching in to help ... remembering how much you've already accomplished, which shows that you really can handle things, it just takes a little time ... whatever breaks the downward spiral.
I've forgotten where you live. Isn't there a service of some sort, for driving people to appointments or shopping, who aren't able to drive themselves? Many towns have something like that, and you could use it during bad weather. Or perhaps you could hire a college student to chauffeur you when needed?
I can't imagine trying to go through this while also losing my eyesight. Wow. Are there classes you can take on how to help compensate for this? Some way to help you prepare, so you feel just a little more in control and know you'll be able to take care of yourself no matter how bad your vision might get?
And don't you think that maybe you're working yourself into a tizzy over things that really do NOT need to be done this very second? (I'm an expert on this, since I do it myself...) The blinds in the living room really could stay dirty for a while, you know. Trust me on this one! <grin> And is there really a crashing need to redo the kitchen tile and carpeting? Selling the cars is sensible, sure, and brings in a little money, but doesn't have to be done right now. And you can probably cancel the insurance before they're sold, if they're not being driven at all.
I bet the kids would be willing to help with some of these things. (And if they aren't, then why care if you do end up leaving a mess for them...) Maybe you've got a neighbor who knows all about cars and would be delighted to help you sell them. Or a friend who adores interior decorating and would be just itching to get her hands on a project like helping you with your kitchen.
I hope you did get some sleep, and that it came with lovely dreams...
I know where you are coming from, though I don't have your physical problems. I've gotten new kitchen flooring, now I have to get a painter to paint the trim on the house and the shutters (after this rain from Gustav stops - we've had LONG power outages). I've got the get the gutters cleaned out, and paint three more rooms in the house. It's never ending. I am going to try to do one thing at a time and not worry about the rest. As Scarlett said "tomorrow is another day."
You know, this past year , I have been doing that. fixing the house. Why? I can't figure it, I told my Dd and DIL I was pregnant, and so I was nesting. But my baby is 85 yrs old. there are still things I want to do. I redid the kitchen counters, had it painted, did a new floor, redid my master bath. I want to paintmy living room and dining room , but I 've gone over my budget, so that will have to wait. I really think it's a kind of nesting. Or I find myself in the house so much, I want to fix it up. Or I'd like to move but that's not going to happen. And although the fixing did mess up things, and it actually made my DH more confused,(if that's possible) it made me happy. that's what's important right now. Make yourself happy.
If you don't mind my messy kitchen, I'd love for you to come over for a 'cuppa' whatever you want. I also have a few cookies I could set out. I'd like to take you on a tour of my rose garden. They look kinda bad from the rain storm but they are still pretty. I think there are enough left to make each of you a little bouquet. Our grandson also fixed up the front gardens and most of the back ones so they are looking very tidy and nice.
Today the sun is shining and it's warmer. I'm much better and I so appreciate all of you gathering together to pull me out of the 'whirlpool.' Isn't that a great allegory.
I'm reading all these posts right now and am so blessed by all of you folks and your kind words. What a great group you are. Let me know if you can make it for coffee/tea/chocolate/Chrystal Lite. I am looking forward to seeing all of you.:)
I did the house fixing-up too, but it was fairly rational: eventually I will want to sell it, and might as well have it in decent shape so I can enjoy it for a few years. I understand what Mawzy's saying about the blinds: she can see now to do them, won't be able to later.
I spent five hours today driving up to some Boston suburbs to deliver some packages that absolutely had to get to friends before the weekend. I've been stalling on doing it but today was such a lovely day, and my husband woke up in a good mood, so off we went. FIVE HOURS! And a lot of getting lost in SPITE of having Google Maps directions.. (take the FOURTH turn around the rotary..) But he stayed immensely calm and cheerful. I couldn't believe it. We didn't eat lunch until 3!
And now the deck of my Outback wagon is cleaned out so I can start hauling records to a used record store, etc. No excuse now not to start cleaning/clearing out the house!
Briegull--I'm with you. This place will have to be sold probably within 5 years. Did a new roof earier this summer. I'm hiring grandsons to do some major cleaning and yard work for me. My goal is to have EVERY @#$$% cupboard, closet, cubbybhole, etc cleaned out and renovated by the first of the year. I really do want this place looking good so i can enjoy it while I'm living in it. I HAD to have new cabinets because these old ones are literally falling off the walls. You should see them. A couple of drawers have to face on them. We tried to nail them back on but they fell off again right away. can't wait for the new ones (end of Sept/first of oct). They are made of alder and are nutmeg in color. Plenty good enough for sales purposes. If the new lady doesn't like them, she can change them. I want to paint one bedroom, too. but am running short of $$ so that will have to wait along with painting the outside of the house. Have to leave somehting for me to do next year.
I love roses... After my first husband died, I put a little rose garden in the back yard, yellows and peaches and pinks. It was so peaceful, watering and pruning and weeding it when I came home from work at night, so beautiful in the setting sun. And in the mornings, I'd take a single, fresh, lovely rose, still wet with dew, in to work to sit in a little vase on my desk. It seemed like the more roses I cut, the more that would grow.
thats the way i am about my hybiscus plants around the patio pool. my sis in law felt pity on me not having any flowering plants, ever! she did it all and they are Huge and blooming dozens of flowers big as your hand. just all colors, i dont dare look at the in person, just thru the window and sneak up on them and 'peep'-HA! my thumbs dont know the color green and mine are black. i cant grow a thing, not even basil..everyone else can grow anything,i have a problem here. i dont even dare get close to the pots, just spray water them from the bridge..i look at them and they keel over...sigh..sigh, sigh..finally something i admit i CANT do..haha. divvi
Hibiscus are gorgeous, aren't they? You do know that the flowers only last a day, though, right? So if you sneak up on them and they wilt away ... they would have wilted away, anyway.
You could try some bougainvillea. Those come in marvelous colors, they're a solid bank of flowers during the flowering season, and once they're established, you couldn't get them to go away if you tried.
Most of us when we were new to Florida pulled the same boner. Picked hibiscus blossoms to decorate the table-looked incredible. As the guests were seated the ants came crawling all over. I have learned to soak the blooms in cold water and they are fine. They don't need to be in water for their moment of glory so they are very easy to use for decorating platters. Should I bring some to Maine when we have our winter get-to-gether.
Here in the beautiful Pacific NW, bougainvillea are planted in pots with wheels under them. When the cold weather starts, they are wheeled inside and they flourish until spring. I don't have any but my friend does. Sadly, they don't have a scent. I think that getting a bougainvillea goes on my 'to do' list. Now you can see why it's so long. I keep adding to it. And when it gets too long, then I get a little stressy and have to start crossing stuff off. Oh well, that's another story.....))_)))
bougainvillea is great. I just read that it is native to S. America, but I've seen it all over the world - Greece, Thailand, Italy, of course all over the US, Peru .. I think it is one of those plants that got planted everywhere by colonials. I call the tropics the "bougainvillea belt".
Up in the northeast I put PEONIES on dinner tables - and the ants came crawling out.. You don't have them down south; they have to freeze in the ground, I think.
I suggest you try to visit where bougainvillia is, rather than grow it yourself. Much more interesting!!