JOAN’S BLOG – OCTOBER 5, 2007 - YOUR SPOUSE BEHAVES LIKE A CHILD – HOW DO YOU RELATE TO THEM ?
“Stop treating me like a child ,” yells the AD spouse. “I wouldn’t treat you like a child if you’d STOP ACTING LIKE ONE!, you yell back.

If this exchange has ever occurred in your house, you know how futile your statement is, but your frustration at your spouse’s behavior compels you to deliver that self-defeating line.

The truth of the matter is – Alzheimer’s Disease is regressive, and the AD afflicted DO behave like children. All of us who have raised or educated children know that they advance through developmental stages. They sit up, crawl, walk, talk, in a progressive sequence. They also go through emotional stages – we parents are all familiar with the “terrible two’s” , when the child learns the word, “NO”, and wants to assert his independence by wearing it out. We know that teenagers are impulsive, moody, and self-involved. We have the gray hair  to prove it.

We are not thrilled to be dealing with these behaviors once again, but this time, in our adult spouses.

According to Dr. Barry Reisberg, M.D., a psychiatrist, geriatric psychiatrist and psychopharmacologist who is a leading expert in Alzheimer’s disease and related areas, as well as Clinical Director of Silberstein Aging & Dementia Research Center at New York University School of Medicine, Alzheimer patients go through life’s developmental stages again, except backwards.  He calls it “Retrogenesis”. Simply translated - the AD afflicted in the early stage is performing at the developmental level of 4-11 years old; middle stage – about 2-4 years old; late stage- about 1-2 years old; and end stage – comparable to an infant.

Personally, I don’t believe these ages are set in stone. As with everything related to AD, everyone with the disease is different, and the disease acts differently in everyone who has it. But it gives us an idea of what we are dealing with in relation to our spouse’s “childlike” behavior.

You may now be thinking, “So what? Giving the behavior a fancy name doesn’t help me handle it any better.” It just may help you react more appropriately to the behavior if you understand what is going on in your spouse’s childlike mind when he/she acts like one of your children did at age 5, 12, or perhaps 16.

The AD patient “when presented with new situations, when frustrated with situations that are challenging to the person, or when presented with objects in the environment, the person may respond with the problem solving abilities or reactions of a child. In these situations, it is important to provide the support or response that we might provide for a child of a similar age.” *
Reacting with a response that you would use for a child of a similar age does not mean sending your spouse to the “time out” chair , although wouldn’t we all have liked to have tried that method in the middle of a tantrum.

I am taking it to mean, for example, that if our spouse is frustrated because they can no longer work the TV remote, we should calmly help them press the correct buttons. If our spouse is frightened of going to a new place, we should assure them that we will be with them to calm their fears, just as we would a child.

It’s not easy. It is a lot of work to get inside the AD mind, and adjust our reactions to their behavior. We did it with our children; we really don’t want to do it all over again with our spouses. Unfortunately, we have no choice. AD demands we do it. 

*From “Focusing on the Positive”, presented by Chris Ebell, OT, Dementia Care Specialist

MESSAGE BOARD TOPIC: DEALING WITH YOUR SPOUSE’S CHILDLIKE BEHAVIOR

Feedback to joan@thealzheimerspouse.com

©Copyright 2007 Joan Gershman  

View Printer Friendly Version

The material included on this website contains general information intended as information only. This site is not intended to provide personal, professional, medical, or psychological advice, and should not be relied upon to govern behavior in any certain or particular circumstances. The opinions in the blogs are solely those of the owner of the website. The opinions on the message boards are not necessarily endorsed by the owner of this website, and are the opinions of those persons writing the messages. All material on this web site is for demonstration and informational purposes only.

The Alzheimer Spouse LLC 2009 All Rights Reserved