JOAN’S BLOG – TUESDAY, OCTOBER  9, 2007 – LETTING YOUR SPOUSE BE ALL THEY CAN BE – THE BALANCE BETWEEN SAFETY, COMPREHENSION, AND SELF-ESTEEM

I am being bombarded from all directions. Everyone in my Support Group says, “Don’t let him drive!”

The neurologist says, “He’s not that bad off yet – let him drive!”

One friend says, “You read the instructions and  put the equipment together.” /The other says, “Leave the guy alone – let him try to do it himself.”

The neuropsychologist says, “You can’t let him organize his own pills!”  / I see that he can do it with minimal assistance.

I am being driven crazy by everyone’s differing opinions, but the bottom line is that we each have to use our own judgment and make the decisions as to what our spouses should and should not be allowed to do, while trying to leave at least some of their self esteem intact.  That’s a heavy responsibility. There will come a time when I do not have to make these decisions – the disease will advance to the point where the situation is obvious, but that is not yet the case for us.

Today, the Cable Guy was coming to hook up HD on 3 televisions . Sid was in the electronics business for 40 years; I didn’t want to further shred his self-esteem, but I knew I had to be home to listen to, and write down the instructions. I am well aware of his inability to listen and write at the same time; to remember and follow directions. In this case, I had to choose between knowing how to turn on the TV (which used to be such a simple procedure –remember when?) and hurt feelings. I chose the TV.

Both the neurologist and I feel that Sid is still capable of driving around town during the daytime. His sense of direction is excellent; he doesn’t get lost; he drives carefully. I feel we are safe under those conditions. On the other hand, I will not let him drive out of town; in unfamiliar places; long distances; or at night. He is NOT HAPPY  about my decision not to let him drive in San Francisco when we visit Joel and Barbara in a couple of weeks, but I chose safety over his self-esteem.

It is a constant balancing act, and were I given the choice, I would not have nominated myself for the job. As is always the case, AD gives us no choice.

I would like to hear how others handle this problem. Maybe you can give me some insights. MESSAGE BOARD TOPIC- LETTING YOUR SPOUSE BE ALL THEY CAN BE.

Feedback to joan@thealzheimerspouse.com

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