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Usually these blogs focus on a specific topic that I hope will be relevant and of interest to my readers. Today, I just want to share some personal events with you. I know you will be able to relate. I welcome your feedback.

I am feeling such sadness – for the first time since October’s diagnosis, and the stabilization brought on by the Aricept, I am seeing decline. Little things, I know, but I can’t ignore them, justify them, or give excuses for them (are we still inclined to do that, even with the reality of the diagnosis?)

He forgets to shut off the ceiling fans when he leaves a room, even though I leave the remote control on a table next to him; he forgets to take his cell phone with him when he goes out; he forgets to lock the front door when he comes back in from getting the mail or puttering in the front yard.

His simple problem solving abilities are declining. If something is not right in front of his face, and he hasn’t been told exactly what to do, he very often is stumped. He just sits there, waiting to be told what to do. Last  week, I got supper ready – a simple one because I came home late from tutoring, and I was in the middle of back and forth technical e-mails with my son. I gave him his salad, put his cooked baked potato, wrapped in foil on his plate, and put the cut up chicken in the microwave to heat up. Then I told him that I had to run into my office to read one of Joel’s e-mails. I came back into the kitchen 15 minutes later, and there was my husband, sitting at the table, arms crossed, angry look on his face, yelling at me – “When am I going to eat supper?” I lost it completely, and yelled back at him – “Why didn’t you take the %&^* chicken out of the microwave???” The answer I got was frightening to me, made my heart sink, and signaled that we were entering a different phase of this disease. He said, “ You didn’t tell me it was in there.” ( He was sitting right in front of the microwave when I put the chicken in there.)

This is happening more and more now. Another example from last week – We have a large walk-in shower in our bathroom. We had one of those detachable shower heads installed– I love it, but ONCE IN A WHILE, I don’t put it back into the holder, and leave it hanging.  This particular day, it was hanging down, and Sid got into the shower after me. I heard screaming and yelling and swearing coming from the bathroom. When I went in to investigate, his agitation was due to the fact that he got into the shower, turned it on, and water sprayed all over the place, because he never “looked”, “saw”, or “focused on”, the showerhead before turning on the water. He was hysterical and yelled at me that I was going to have to clean the water off of the floor. Why he turned the shower on with the shower door open is still a mystery to me. But the bottom line is that he was so unfocused, he never saw the showerhead hanging off of the hook. And went ballistic when things didn’t go exactly as he felt they should.

Since this website is all about the marital relationship, the question needs to be asked – how does this decline affect our relationship? It depends on my reaction to it. I have reached the “acceptance” phase of the disease, which means I TRY to adjust to whatever comes along next. In this case, I know I have to do more “anticipating” of what will upset him by:

• Warning him of problems that are coming.
• Anticipating what he will “miss”, and explaining it in advance in detail and writing it down for him.

So back to the question of what this does to our relationship – Takes it down one more level to the mother/child dynamic rather than husband/wife. Adds a bit more to the loneliness.  But, as I always emphasize, that is the reality of Alzheimer’s Disease.  I try to get him settled and comfortable, and then go off by myself to  seek solace in my reading and writing. It is very important that you find something of your own, a hobby, an interest, into which you can escape for a few moments of peace and tranquility.

©Copyright 2007 Joan Gershman

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