JOAN’S WEEKEND BLOG – JANUARY 19/20, 2008 – A PLEA FROM RICHARD TAYLOR - "EMBRACE THE PERSON AS THEY ARE AND NOT WISH THEM TO BE WHAT THEY ONCE WERE."

We talk so much on this site about the pain, sadness, and loneliness we feel because AD has taken the essence of the spouse we loved. Our spouses who were once vibrant, sexy, intelligent, caring partners and lovers regress to needy, helpless children. We can no longer relate to, or communicate with them, as the adults we spent a life time loving. Our roles as spouses are replaced by the role of caregiver, nurse, and therapist. That is the truth and reality of the life of an AD spouse. But it is our perspective; our point of view. There is another side, and that is the side of the AD patient themselves.

Richard Taylor Ph.d, the psychologist and author or Alzheimer’s From the Inside Out, has lived with Alzheimer’s Disease for over six years. Although sadly, he is declining more rapidly now, he still travels and lectures on what it is like to have AD. Recently, Dr. Taylor gave a speech at the Alzheimer's Alliance of Northeast Texas Inc. (Click here for complete article) One point he made stood out for me. He said that family members should “embrace the person as they are and not wish them to be what they once were.”

This statement hit me in the gut. It brought out feelings of remorse, guilt, and a realization that, in spite of all I have learned about AD this year, I am still looking for the husband who was, rather than cherishing the one who is. This is not to deny what we have lost. That loss is real. We no longer have the spouses we married, and most of us are filled with very real emotions of anger, despondency, and loneliness because of it. We have a right to those feelings.

But maybe we should step back for a moment and put ourselves in the position of our spouses who still know who we are. They are capable of being hurt by our withdrawal from them, because they no longer have the capacity to understand our feelings. We need to try to remember that, as Dr. Taylor says, “But I’m not an empty shell. We’re all human beings, whole human beings, every day of our lives.”

His words are meaningful, and should give us pause to empathize with our spouses' feelings. However, I do not think that Dr. Taylor fully comprehends that oftentimes our spouses do seem like “empty shells”, and it is trying to relate to that emptiness that drains our love, vitality, and spirit.

Once again, no answers here. Just food for thought and discussion. What do you think? Can we “embrace the person as they are and not wish them to be what they once were?” I think we will always long for the person who was.

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