JOAN’S BLOG – JULY 18,2007 – “RESENTMENT”

Oh, I have received many e-mails on this subject. Most spouses keep their resentment bottled up – there is no one to talk to about it – we are afraid of the reaction we will get from those who do not understand. How can you resent your spouse? How can you resent caring for the love of your life? The marriage vows say – “for better  or worse”.  Yes, they do. But they don’t tell you how to handle “the worse”. And no vow can tell you how to “feel”. Your feelings are what they are, and if resentment is one of them, so be it. Let’s deal with it here.

So what are spouses telling me they resent? I’ll share my own biggest resentment with you at the end.

• Having to do it ALL – no sharing of duties or chores with Alzheimer’s as it advances.

I keep emphasizing marriage as a “partnership”. It’s never perfect; one of the partners may always feel he/she is doing more than the other, but generally, there is at least some  splitting of duties. You do the bills; he does the lawn; you cook; he vacuums -  - okay, maybe he doesn’t vacuum; he takes out the garbage; he does the heavy lifting; you make the doctor appointments. You get the idea. You don’t have to do it ALL. You have help. Then, slowly, more and more chores and responsibilities fall to you, because your partner is unable to do them. To the male spouses of Alzheimer patients – I know you’re out there – I think you have it even harder than the woman caretakers, because (not to sound sexist), but in general, you’re not used to the cooking, cleaning, bathing of someone else, helping someone dress. RESENTMENT SETS IN, AND IT CAN ONLY HURT AN ALREADY STRAINED RELATIONSHIP! AND IT’S UNHEALTHY FOR YOU. IT CAUSES MORE STRESS THAN YOU ARE ALREADY UNDER.

 

• Being married to a child, instead of a partner.

This is a rough one. The first time I heard those words uttered to me was by my female gynecologist, two years before the Alzheimer diagnosis was made, after I told her what was happening with my husband. It was the first relief I had felt – someone actually UNDERSTOOD! We have to tell them what to do; how to do it; when to do it. We have to explain directions one at a time; organize their day; give them lists – ON TOP OF ALL THE OTHER THINGS WE HAVE TO DO, INCLUDING GO TO WORK, FOR US “YOUNGER” CAREGIVERS. Most of us raised our kids; many of you are still in the process of raising them (based upon the e-mails I have received), and guess what? WE DON’T WANT TO RAISE ANY MORE KIDS. MORE RESENTMENT SETTING IN. MORE STRESS.

• Loneliness 

Do we resent the loneliness? Some people are telling me they do. I just feel sad that we’re growing apart, because he doesn’t understand so much of what I say – we can’t share conversation and memories like we used to. The subtle nuances of language are leaving him. Sometimes I look at older couples (in their 70’s and 80’s), see in them, the closeness and love that Sid and I had for 34 of our 37 years, and I do feel resentment that ours could not have lasted forever. But then I remember my support group friends reminding me to treasure and be thankful for all the years we did have. And we’re still trying – remember the date night from my first blog.

• Nothing positive to look forward to  

 

Actually, resentment about this one did not occur to me until someone e-mailed me about it. The reason it did not occur to me is because I take one day at a time. I have to. I would go crazy if I looked too far into the future. I take whatever stage we are in, try to deal with it as best I can, and that’s it. If you dwell on what the future holds, and we all know what that is, you will never be able to deal with the present. Don’t misunderstand – we did all the legal planning necessary – powers of attorney; transfer of assets; living wills; medical power of attorneys. That is essential, but beyond that, no, I don’t dwell on the next stages.

MY BIGGEST RESENTMENT – “It’s always my fault”. What I mean by that is – if something goes wrong – if Sid doesn’t understand what I say; if he can’t follow directions; if he has a tantrum because something unexpected happened; it’s my fault because I didn’t set things up correctly – I didn’t explain the directions clearly and simply enough; I didn’t anticipate the unexpected; I didn’t warn him of the unexpected; I didn’t DO SOMETHING I WAS SUPPOSED TO. That is what I resent – always having to anticipate everything, and if I don’t, it’s my fault because things went wrong. That is probably an unrealistic attitude – Anyone out there want to help me with an attitude adjustment?
 
So as I try end all my blogs with a solution, I’ll say this about resentment. EXPRESS IT IN YOUR SUPPORT GROUP; TO YOUR SPOUSE SISTERS AND BROTHERS ON THIS WEBSITE; A TRUSTED DOCTOR, AND THEN CHANNEL IT! Find something constructive and/or peaceful to do. Take time for yourself – contact your local Alzheimer’s Association and find out what respite resources are available for you. 

©Copyright 2007 Joan Gershman

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