Sometimes I just share my thoughts and feelings with you. Today is one of those times. I am sure you will be able to relate.

34 (out of 37) years of a wonderful, loving, sharing, caring, close, relationship isn't enough for me. I am selfish. I want more. I want it to continue, and Alzheimer’s Disease is stealing it away from me. It is destroying and dismantling, piece by piece, my relationship with the man who was the other half of my soul.

He is becoming more and more rigid and inflexible in his thoughts and actions. He cannot understand why I would feel rejected and neglected when he will not draw himself away from the television that has possessed him 12 hours a day, to talk to me; to hold me; to cuddle with me. It is impossible to reason with someone whose brain has been hijacked by Alzheimer’s Disease.

He understands what I say and how I feel for the few moments we are discussing it, but the next day he forgets what was said, or worse, misinterprets it. If I promise him that I will not get angry when he forgets what he said 5 minutes ago, the next day his muddled mind interprets those words into a slight against him and he yells, “You’re always picking on me! I can’t do anything right!”

If I apologize for saying or doing something that hurt his feelings, the next day he forgets it, gets angry at me, but can’t remember why he is angry.

The old ways of fixing a problem – discussion, compromise, agreement – no longer work. Nothing seems to work. And so I do what I have accused him of doing – withdraw into my own world. It is quiet and very, very lonely in there, and I don’t like it. I miss the companionship. I miss the emotional connection. I miss my husband.

I haven’t given up completely. I keep coming out to make attempts at reconnecting, but the wires are fraying, and the connection is intermittent at best.  Each attempt takes another little piece of my heart.And so it is for the spouses of the Alzheimer patient.

Feedback to joan@thealzheimerspouse.com