When the realization hit – that the husband I adored, although still living, was gone; that the marital relationship I cherished was gone; and neither was coming back, my heart shattered. I thought I was going to die from the pain. Up until that moment, I was sure if we tried hard enough; worked at solutions like we used to; discussed and compromised like we used to; we could put the pieces of our relationship back together as it had been. Alzheimer’s Disease was not going to let that happen, and I finally knew it. When that realization hits you, the mourning period begins. You mourn the loss of the person you knew, surely as if that person had physically died. You mourn the loss of the relationship you treasured.

I have spoken to and read messages from many spouses on this subject. Everyone mourns in their own way, on their own timetable. Some of you withdraw and move away from your spouses emotionally; others fall into depression; others remain in denial and try to ignore the pain; and others find solace in personal activities. Some of you mourn for weeks; some for months; some for years. It does not matter how you do it, or how long it takes you, but all the experts are in agreement – We must go through this mourning period in order to come out on the other side and make a new and different life for ourselves and our “different” spouses. It definitely is not the life we expected to lead, and it definitely is not with the person we knew and fell in love with so many years ago, but it is what it is, and we either learn to deal with our new reality or we will not be able to function, and that will help neither us nor our spouses.

Do you know that there is some good news here? In the Relationship Repair link, I talked about activities you can do with your spouse to help you “connect” with this new person. Set aside one night each week for a “Date Night”.  (Or “Date Day” if nighttime is a problem) Depending on his/her abilities, awareness, interests, and cooperation, you can:

• Go out to dinner
• Go to the movies
• Walk on the beach
• Picnic in the park
• Go to a music concert – small, indoors, so it is not overwhelming
• Go to a Car show
• Go to an Art show
• Hold hands and watch the sun set.
• Go for a Nature Walk
• Go Dancing

I recommend the book, In it Together, the Alzheimer’s Activities Guide by Forest Pharmaceuticals, Inc. A friend of mine picked it up at a conference. I will try to find out where you can get a copy. It is full of activities and ideas for "connecting" with your spouse, no matter what stage of the disease they are in.

Exciting News – Richard Taylor, Ph.d, author of Alzheimer’s From the Inside Out – his personal views and essays on what it is like to have Alzheimer’s Disease – he was diagnosed 6 years ago, has written to me, and wants to discuss our different perspectives on the disease.

Feedback to joan@thealzheimerspouse.com