 JOAN’S BLOG – Monday, December 10, 2007 – ALONENESS – IT’S DIFFERENT FROM LONELINESS We have talked often on this site about the loneliness Recently, I have begun to feel something different. Aloneness. I chose to participate in life That is not to say that I do not, or will ever stop, trying to engage him in activities he enjoys It is not the same as engaging in activities and watching the world through each other’s eyes How do you feel about it? I know there are those who disagree with me. Those who feel they will stay in their spouse’s world until the end; they will give up their activities to be them and only them until the end. But I cannot live that way. I will be there for him; I will live in his world for periods of time, but I must also get out and live in the outside world. MESSAGE BOARD TOPIC: ALONENESS – ENGAGING IN ACTIVITIES WITHOUT YOUR SPOUSE Tommorrow: Gifts for the AD patient - Controversy among the experts. Feedback to joan@thealzheimerspouse.com |
we feel because the spouse we loved, although not dead, is no longer with us. From the earliest stages, when we start to lose the essence of the person who was our lover and friend, to the end stages, when their personality has long ago left them, we feel lonely. We are lonely because we miss their conversations, their playfulness, their lovemaking, their helpfulness, their partnership.
. It is the realization that I must answer the question - Do I engage in these activities
by myself – activities I once shared with my husband, my life partner, or do I sit here cut off from the world 
and join in his isolation? It hurts. It is another in a long series of hurts 
, but I had to make a decision.
. 
; to movies; to walk around and enjoy the weather and holiday lights in our Town Square 
; to eat lunch on my patio in 80 degree weather in December. I want my husband with me, as he has always been with me. I want to watch the sunset together 
. I want to hold hands and talk. I want to take a ride to the beach and watch the waves. But if he needs a wheelchair 
, as he sometimes does, and refuses
to let me push him in it; if he is in a childish, whining mood
, and refuses to go out, I am not going to sit in the house, and allow him to bring me down with him. 
; that is not to say I will not hold his hand 
when he is sad; try to cheer him up when he is down; give him as much love and understanding 
as I can. It is to say, I have learned not to argue
. When he is determined to sit in front of the TV all day and do nothing else
, I now realize that I cannot persuade him otherwise . I will get up and go out for a few hours by myself or with a friend. When he is no longer able to stay by himself, I will get someone to stay with him.
. It is so sad
; so painful; but is a necessity for my life and my sanity.