JOAN’S BLOG – WEEKEND EDITION – JULY 21-22, 2007 – POSITIVE NOTES 

As we enter the weekend, I thought I would give all of you some positive thoughts to ponder. Yes, we are sad, lonely, resentful, and angry about what Alzheiemer’s Disease has done to our loving spouse and special bond of marriage. But let’s not forget the person inside that stranger’s body. No matter the stage of the disease, that exceptional, distinctive individual you fell in love with is hidden deep inside the brain of the person you are looking at. Be forever thankful that you were given however many number of years with him/her – years to laugh together, make passionate love, travel, hold hands in the moonlight  , share pillow talk, raise children, share joys and tragedies . If you were lucky enough to have shared those moments with someone, then you are truly blessed. Not everyone is afforded such opportunities in life.

Remember too, that this is extremely difficult for your spouse. It is frustrating,  confusing, and frightening to lose your memory, your understanding, your sense of self. They are just as angry and hurt as you, but are unable to adequately express their feelings. Then the next minute they forget what they were feeling anyway.

My two support group mentors put it best – They said that they loved their husbands, loved who they had been, and were going to try as best as they could, to make their husband’s lives comfortable and calm for whatever life span the disease was going to allow them.

As we have discussed this week, the relationship will never be what it was; your spouse will never return to who he/she was, but, depending on the stage they are in, we need to try to “connect” with them whatever way possible. Hold hands in bed; take a walk together; listen to music together.

Sometimes, connections come when least expected. Two nights ago, I was reading in bed, as is my nightly ritual; Sid came into the room, and said, “I need to hold you – let me hold you.” I lay in his arms, and he told me that he had read everything on my website (I had given him the first blog to read, but not the subsequent ones), and it brought tears to his eyes – he said he didn’t want to cause me any more pain than he already had – he loved me and wanted to try hard to make my life easier. I assured him that nothing that he was doing or anything that was happening was his fault, and it was I who needed to try harder to be more patient. For those few brief moments, we both felt like “us” again. Like the partners we had always been. I treasure those moments.

We are having weekend company from “up North” as we say down here in Florida. Old friends whom we have not seen in the year since we have moved, and a barbeque on Sunday with more old friends. These are people who know about Sid’s condition, and with whom he is comfortable, but he still does not tolerate change in routine very well, so I am praying for smooth sailing. I will continue to check in on the message boards regularly, and make sure your messages are posted.

©Copyright 2007 Joan Gershman

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