My positive attitude needs a tune up. I find myself unable to keep up with the emotional strain of my husband’s declining abilities.  I am being whirled around in a never-ending vortex .  

He is increasingly forgetful about important matters, such as locking the front door, eating, shaving, taking showers. If I mention any of this to him, his first reaction is to deny it (of course), then say he does not remember it, then become depressed because he can neither remember what he is supposed to do, nor remember that he did not do it. Around and around we go .

I do realize that I should not be saying anything to him about what he forgets. The standard advice in these situations is to lock the door, give him his supper at a certain time, tell him he needs to shave and shower, and not waste my breath reminding him about any of it.

But these newest declines are doing more than just making me dizzy. They are speeding up that transition from wife to caregiver. When that shift is complete, the tenuous hold I have on our ever-fraying spousal bond will break, and I will be forced to live no longer as a wife, but as a caregiver to an adult sized child. Each time one of these new emotional phases occurs, it is more difficult than the last.

I am lonely, and I am tired. I am lonely because I miss my husband, and it is so difficult, if not impossible, to carry on an intellectually stimulating conversation with the man who inhabits my husband’s body. I am tired because I work, take care of him, and do every single thing related to keeping the household running smoothly. I drive everywhere, and take him to at least 2 doctor appointments or tests a week.

I had an odd experience last week, which made me realize just how much I and all of us caregivers have on our shoulders. My cousin is my accountant, and he is handling my business checking account for me. He called to tell me that he had contacted the bank, saved me a service charge from last month, changed it to free checking, and to remind me to transfer money into the checking account before I write a check. I was overcome with such a feeling of relief that something had been “taken care of” FOR ME instead of BY ME. I had actually forgotten that there used to be someone – my husband- who helped me out and shared the responsibilities when I needed it.

This is not news to any of you. I know that you do as much and more than I do. I am the one who usually encourages you to keep up a positive attitude – to focus on what is good. Well, my positive attitude must have gone on the Caregiver Cruise and stayed there, because I cannot find it around here. Hopefully, it will sail in again soon, but right now I am exhausted, sad, and not at all in a positive mood.

What do you do to bring yourself back to positive thinking?

Stay tuned for Wednesday's Blog - The Olympian Caregiver

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The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
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