JOAN’S BLOG – MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 22, 2008 –PATIENCE AND ACCEPTANCE

All of us lose patience with our spouses – some of us more often than others. The message boards are filled with laments of lost patience and guilt over it. We each have a different breaking point, and it changes as our spouses move from one stage to another. In the beginning, repetitive questions may drive some of us to lose it and scream, “ Enough already! You asked me that question 5 times in the last hour. I TOLD you the answer FIVE TIMES!” In a later stage, some of us may lose it when our spouses, completely oblivious to the havoc they are causing, drag a hose spouting water at full force, from the garage THROUGH the house to the back yard to water the plants. Some of us lose it after 12 hours of shadowing. Some of us lose it when pants are removed IN PUBLIC to urinate wherever our confused spouse happens to be standing.

We all lose patience at one time or another, and I am as guilty of it, if not more so, than others. But I have learned something about patience along this journey. The amount of patience I have is in direct correlation to the amount of acceptance I have gained.

In the beginning, before the diagnosis, I snapped, growled, and finally flat out yelled at him for forgetting everything I said; for forgetting every conversation we had, even if that conversation had taken place the day before. It took a long time after the diagnosis for me to finally accept that he really did forget; there was nothing either of us could do about it, and it wasn’t his fault. I stopped losing patience over it.

As all of you who have been following my blogs since I started this website are aware, the change in our overall relationship from “partners working through problems together” to “walk away/don’t try to reason or discuss”, was the hardest for me to accept. When you have always discussed issues of disagreement by rationally looking at both sides and coming to an agreement as to what is best for the relationship, rather than what is best for each individual, it is next to impossible to let that go. When all attempts at reasonable discussion end in total disintegration of patience, resulting in screaming arguments, it is emotional torture. Somewhere in this process, and the epiphany is different for each one of us, we come to accept that Alzheimer’s disease has taken our “reasoning” spouse, and the only option left to us is to walk away from that precious partner-to- partner relationship. Smile, don’t argue, drop it, leave the room. Only through that acceptance, have I found the patience to stop trying to reason with him.

At the end, accepting when our physical, mental and emotional resources, as well as our patience levels are depleted, will allow us to turn the care giving over to the professionals. Many of you have made the decision, that under no circumstances, will you place your spouse in a nursing facility, and that is a personal choice. But you can arrange for professional care within your own home if you have the finances.

Whatever your situation, there will come a time when you “accept” whatever stage you are struggling with, and with that acceptance, will come the patience to deal with it.

This is not to say I have a reservoir of patience. I do not. Anyone who has seen me in action, is well aware of it. I am coming along. It has been a hard fought battle, but I definitely do now have patience for the changes I have accepted.

MESSAGE BOARD TOPIC: Patience and Acceptance

©Copyright 2008 Joan Gershman

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