JOAN’S BLOG – MONDAY, JULY 7, 2008 – OVERT RESENTMENT

As those of you who read this website are aware, we do not shy away from difficult issues. It is the inability to express one’s true emotions for fear of being misunderstood, rebuked, or scolded, that prevents many of us from sharing some of our deepest feelings with even the people in our support groups. One of those sentiments that is rarely openly expressed is RESENTMENT. One of the first Blogs I wrote when I launched this website in July 07,  was about resentment. But in the light of the emotional trauma I have experienced these past few weeks (see Blogs below and the linked list below those, for more Blogs on what has been going on in my life recently), I felt I needed to talk more about the particular type of resentment with which I am currently seething. Perhaps you will recognize yourself in my words.

Here is where I am now on this journey. I have had to accept the loss of my former “emotionally bonded” marital relationship; I have had to accept the fact that my husband will never return to who and how he was; I have had to accept the fact that our relationship is forever changed; I have had to move toward being more the caregiver than the spouse. I have fought against every single aspect of the change, but I had to accept it, or I was going to have a nervous breakdown from fighting it. 

But now that I have accepted it, there is a well of enormous resentment against what this acceptance means for me.  I resent the fact that I have to be the one to make the concessions; I have to change MY tone of voice to sweet, calm, patient, and soothing, when dealing with my husband’s irrational rants; I have to be the one to walk away from arguments; I have to be the one to smile and make him feel better when he forgets what I told him every day for the last week; I have to be the one to stroke his forehead and tell him how I understand that we can’t discuss the article he just read because he completely misinterpreted it; I have to turn my head in silence, while he argues and argues and argues that his recall of what he read in the paper is absolutely correct, even though the person to whom he is speaking is disputing his facts. I resent the fact that as the “well spouse”, I have had to literally turn my personality inside out to accommodate the changes this disease has manifested in him.

Basically, I have been told that it is the fault of this horrendous disease; that only I can change and adapt because my husband cannot. I have been told - “Life isn’t fair. Get over it.”  It is not that easy. It is a long, slow, painful process. The resentment will eventually ease, but for now, that is how I feel, and I defend my right to feel it.

I would like to hear from you on this issue. Do you also feel resentment or am I just being self-centered?

MESSAGE BOARD TOPIC: Resentment

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