JOAN’S BLOG – OCTOBER 23/24, 2007 – OUR SON IS UNDERSTANDING, SO WHY AM I IN TEARS?

We only see our son once a year, and for the last three of those years, Joel  has been telling me that I was making too much out of what seemed to be just a simple memory problem. He thought his Dad was a little forgetful, but “he didn’t see anything wrong with him.” He jokingly (?) said it was my Type A perfectionist personality that was forcing me to make too much out of it. I wrote a Blog in August about how frustrating it is when our friends and relatives say, “I don’t see anything wrong with him/her. He/she looks fine to me.” It makes you want to scream.

Last night, Joel and I had some time alone, and he told me that he had been doing a lot of “thinking back”  since January, when I had told him of the diagnosis. He said that the last time he remembered his Dad being truly “himself” was in 2002, when we came out to Hawaii to visit him (he lived in Hawaii for 3 years), and he and Dad had a heart to heart talk. He said that, since that time, even though he was in denial, he had been able to see differences and decline in the succeeding visits.

Instead of feeling elated at being vindicated, I felt like I had been punched in the stomach, and tears welled up in my eyes. I think I hid my distress, and simply told him that he was 100% correct about the timing.

For the rest of the evening, I was perplexed. Why was I so upset? I had what I wanted – validation that I wasn’t crazy, over reacting, or making up symptoms that weren’t there. But still, my heart ached, and I slept poorly.

This morning, before we got up, Sid was holding me in his arms, and I burst into tears. I had finally understood why I was so distraught. When Joel had told me about him and his Dad talking about issues and problems that time in Hawaii, I suddenly realized that I had FORGOTTEN HOW SID USED TO BE. I have become so used to the way he is now, that I actually forgot what he was like before. I had forgotten how focused and perceptive he had been, especially when it came to our son. I had forgotten that he was the rock we braced ourselves against when we needed him. AD has so consumed our lives that I had forgotten some of what came before. I had even written a Blog about it last month – “Is Your Life Before AD Fading?”

I ended up doing exactly what I have been trying to avoid – making Sid feel as saddened as I do. Now there were two of us crying over what was and can never be again. Sometimes AD is just plain hard to deal with.

Surely it is our collaboration on this website that has brought Joel a more heightened awareness of his Dad’s problems than he could have  gotten from a weekly phone call.  It does not matter how they have come to understand AD, I am thankful to have a son and daughter-in-law who are thoughtful and supportive.

Feedback to joan@thealzheimerspouse.com

View Printer Friendly Version

The material included on this website contains general information intended as information only. This site is not intended to provide personal, professional, medical, or psychological advice, and should not be relied upon to govern behavior in any certain or particular circumstances. The opinions in the blogs are solely those of the owner of the website. The opinions on the message boards are not necessarily endorsed by the owner of this website, and are the opinions of those persons writing the messages. All material on this web site is for demonstration and informational purposes only.

The Alzheimer Spouse LLC 2009 All Rights Reserved