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IN A NURSING HOME

One of our readers suggested this topic because she is facing this situation right now. Aside from hearing the initial diagnosis
“It’s Alzheimer’s Disease”, this is probably the most difficult and heartbreaking part of our journey. I know it has given me many sleepless nights.

In spite of all the changes Alzheimer’s Disease has brought to your relationship; in spite of all the stress; anxiety; loneliness; and overwhelming amount of work, this is still the person with whom you fell in love so many years ago. This is the person with whom you shared a lifetime of memories  – bringing up children together ; loving, laughing, and living together. This is the love of your life, and my readers tell me they feel as if they are “giving up and throwing them away”.

As difficult as it will be, you must try to understand that you are doing what is best for them. Are you a woman who is much shorter and lighter than your AD husband? You don’t have the strength to lift him. Are you a man who is older and struggling with your own arthritis and heart problems, while trying to care for your AD wife? YOU ARE NOT SUPERHUMAN. . You have done all you could possibly do, and the time just comes when you cannot be awake 24 hours a day to give your loved one the care he/she needs. It is time to turn it over to the professionals.

I remember my uncle, who was in his 80’s, caring for my aunt at home until he could not stay awake all night catching her before she wandered out and away. He was distraught – “What am I going to do?”, he said, “Throw her away after 62 years together?” He finally came to the realization that he could not care for her alone. He was not “throwing her away”. He was handing her over to people who could give her the care she needed. Until the day she died, he went to the nursing home every single day, sitting with her at lunch time, peeling an orange for her to eat.

Please try to be at peace with your decision to place your spouse in a nursing home. You are not abandoning them – You will still be there for them – You will visit everyday – You will make sure they are being well cared for – They need you to be physically healthy, which you have a better chance of being without the crushing burden of trying to care for them 24 hours a day.

I have many readers and support group friends who have told me – “I will never put him/her in a home as long as there is breath in my body.” I heard from a man in England, who is in his 80’s. He has many physical problems, but he says that as long as he can stand, he will care for his wife at home. I respect whatever decision is best for each individual, but if the decision is a nursing home placement, YOU MUST NOT FEEL GUILTY. YOU ARE DOING WHAT IS BEST FOR YOUR SPOUSE AND YOU.

IMPORTANT NOTE: BE PREPARED. Not all nursing facilities are created equal, as we all know. Do your homework early. Years early. Research facilities in your area, and ask social workers and other spouses who have their husbands/wives in a particular placement for recommendations. Never make a decision based on a “visit” or the word of the nursing home administrator. I speak from experience with my mother-in-law. She did not have AD, but she had multiple health problems that required rehabilitation in nursing homes, and finally, a permanent placement. We made a few very bad mistakes until the end, when Sid found a fantastic placement for her.

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©Copyright 2007 Joan Gershman

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