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 Joan’s Blog for July 17, 2007 – Meeting our Emotional Needs

Thank you to all who have responded so positively to my new website. Please continue to e-mail me with suggestions and ideas – topics you would like discussed. Message boards SHOULD be operational the night of July 17th.

Today’s topic of emotional needs is a loss we spouses feel even in the early stages of the disease, and as with everything related to this disease, it does not improve.

What do I mean by “emotional needs”? With whom do you share your best news, your excitement, your new ideas? Who is the first person you want to call when you’ve gotten a raise, had a great day,
 had a terrible day,  need a pat on the back, need a shoulder to cry on?  Your spouse. This is the person who boosts your spirits when you’re down; celebrates with you when you’re up. And you would do the same for them. You are best friends, lovers, helpmates, partners. You are meeting each other’s emotional needs.

But Alzheimer’s disease slowly destroys the brain’s flexibility, understanding, and ability to respond to spoken language and body language. Your spouse may no longer understand what it is he/she is supposed to say in response your (this is my example) declaration, “I’m so excited! I had an idea; I worked hard; I followed through; and I launched my own website!” Okay, I really am excited about this, and I wanted to share the excitement with my soulmate. He looked at me for a few minutes, saying nothing, because it takes so long for him to process language now, and he said, “But you need a job.” Talk about deflating my excitement.  Not exactly the “emotional support” I was looking for. The husband I knew would have told me how proud he was of me, and that he would help me anyway he could.

That was just one of my examples. I’ll bet you could come up with an infinite number of examples of your own – times when your spouse just couldn’t be there for you – just couldn’t meet your emotional needs.

It is happening more and more in my life now, and it is another sadness I must bear.

WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT?

THE EXPERTS SAY,AND I DON’T HAPPEN TO AGREE WITH THEM:

• Turn to friends – I say – they can sympathize, but they really have no idea what it is like.
• Turn to support groups – I say - support groups are great; they cannot substitute for your spouse.
• Turn to relatives – I say - Who are you kidding? They can sympathize like your friends, but they are not your spouse. They don’t live with you and your spouse – they really have no idea what is going on, and many times, think you are exaggerating.

SO WHAT TO DO????

There is no substitute for the emotional support you have gotten from your spouse. Friends and support groups can help, but the stark reality is that you have to “accept what you cannot change” and go on. Your spouse is not going to meet those needs anymore.  I actually came to that realization tonight. Every new realization I come to is painful, but that’s the reality of this disease.

My advice is to “Get a Life.” You will have to look “inward” to satisfy your emotional needs. By that I mean, develop and pursue your own interests. Get satisfaction from whatever activities you can immerse yourself in. Obviously, for me, it’s researching and writing. Set a goal and follow through. It will give you immense satisfaction. No, it won’t replace what you lost with your spouse – nothing will- but it will fill a void in your life.

Send me your ideas. I welcome them.

©Copyright 2007 Joan Gershman

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