JOAN’S BLOG – MONDAY, August 13, 2007 – MEMORY STRATEGIES TO EASE THE FRUSTRATION AND TENSION FOR BOTH YOU AND YOUR SPOUSE – PART I

Ah, if only it were only as easy as that sign the little man is holding. A bit of background on me first. I have spent the last 30 years in the field of “language”. Trained as an English teacher; worked for 20 years in Special Education; worked the last 11 years as a Speech and Language therapy assistant. What does this have to do with our Alzheimer afflicted spouse and our stress? Read below and see if any of it sounds familiar.

It was my job to:

• Understand comprehension and language difficulties in students whose brains just didn’t process information normally.
• Break down directions and information into manageable segments for these students.
• Teach them techniques to understand and remember written and oral language. These students were disorganized, forgetful, and confused. What information they did process, they processed very slowly. How familiar does this sound to you?

So do you now figure that all of my training and patience with these kids helped me be calm and patient with my husband, who exhibited these same problems? NOOOOOO, it didn’t. Sorry to report I had less patience with him than with the kids. Unfortunately, I left my patience in my office at school.  For awhile there, I thought he was just being a pain in the bottom and not bothering to pay attention to anything I said or anything that was going on in the house. This, to which I am sure you can relate, strained our relationship to the breaking point. (I realized rather quickly that we had a serious problem and made a neurology appointment) When your spouse is so forgetful, he/she cannot remember what was said an hour ago; is so disorganized he/she cannot find any notes you wrote for them; does not understand what you say to them or the directions you give them; misinterprets what they think they did understand; it frustrates both of you, and you end up in a screaming match.  

I am going to share with you some of the techniques that work. I know that one of your first questions is going to be – “And just how do you think I am going to get him/her to agree to this?” I will give suggestions and tell you what worked for me with each technique – Each of you know your spouses well. You will have to be creative in figuring out how to nudge them toward some level of acceptance.

Earlier Stages to Mid Stages– your spouse is still somewhat independent and functional – can still read.

Purchase a spiral notebook.  FORGET THE SEPARATE PIECES OF PAPER!!!!  Sid used to write reminders to himself on little pieces of paper– ALL OVER THE HOUSE! He could never remember where he put them – it drove me CRAZY!
I am known as the notebook queen.  I keep my own information organized in them. They work.  Put the notebook somewhere your spouse can easily access it all day – Sid’s is on the kitchen table with a pen clipped to it.

• Label the top of the page with the day and date.
• Number each line.
• Next to the number, write in clear, simple language what your spouse is to do for the day.
• Example:

1. Take your pills.

2. Empty the dishwasher.

3. Make the bed.

4. Dr. Jones appointment - 1 PM

5. Return Joe's (his friend) phone call from yesterday.

        Teach, train, demonstrate, suggest to– whichever one of these words work for you – your spouse to CHECK OFF the item after he/she completes the task. Sid says this gives him a feeling of accomplishment. 

Okay, here comes the part about how do I, in my wildest dreams, expect you to get your spouse to agree to this? Sid fought me  aggressively on this one. He had it in his mind that he was supposed to remember everything all of the time without writing it down. I explained to him that NO ONE remembers everything. We’re all too busy and have too much to do – EVERYONE makes lists. I enlisted the help of friends and relatives to assure him that they, too, made daily “to do” lists. I showed him all of my lists –of which he was well aware – for years he used to laugh at me for making them. As I said, he didn’t like it, he complained, but I would leave the notebook with his list in it, and off to work I would go. Sure enough, when I came home from work, he had checked off the items he had done.  EVENTUALLY, and believe me, it took many months, when he thought of something he needed to do the next day, he would write it down in the notebook himself.

When your AD spouse has a method of recalling information, they are less frustrated and angry, and as Sid said, then are able to feel a sense of accomplishment.  They are calmer for it, and you are calmer because you did not have to deal with them forgetting everything for that day.

This is not foolproof. They will still forget things, but it is the best method I have found that limits the forgetfulness and frustration it causes for both of you.

Tomorrow: Part II - How to explain information so your AD spouse understands it.

TECHNOLOGY NOTES: 8/13/07

• Printer friendly version – Until I get this software installed, an excellent method of printing the information on the website so it is in large print and easily read is:

Highlight and copy the information you want to print. (Click Edit; Click copy)
Paste the highlighted section into a Word Document. (Click Edit; Click paste)
                       Adjust the font size so it is large enough to suit your needs.
                       Print. 

• Sharing Pictures-  One of our readers tried to send us pictures via the Message Boards. It didn’t work for me – maybe some of you had better luck.
           If you are very computer technologically  savvy (unlike me), you can try putting a link in your text (I’m still working on learning how to do that).
          Otherwise, send me the pictures via e-mail, and I can then put them up on the website’s Home Page. I just had an idea.  I can put a link (on the left of the Home Page) for Picture Sharing. My regular readers know that I won’t be the one doing the linking. My son will do it for me.       

Feedback to: joan@thealzheimerspouse.com 

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