JOAN’S BLOG – MONDAY, AUGUST 6, 2007 – THE LONELINESS YOU FEEL.

The dictionary defines loneliness as being “Without friendly companionship, company, or support” –. In previous Blogs -   Meeting Our Emotional Needs; Socialization and Friendships; Sex and Intimacy; I discussed how when our spouses can no longer be our best friends, cheerleaders, lovers, sounding boards, and comforter-in-chief, we are left with heartache and emptiness where there was once a full, mutually satisfying partnership. When friends and family desert us, the loneliness is complete and overwhelming.

In each stage of the disease, we deal with a different type and level of loneliness. In the early stages, when our spouses are still functional, we lose the enjoyment and satisfaction of adult conversation. When your spouse is slow to process language, misinterprets most of what you say, and does not understand the rest, conversation with them loses its allure. When you have to explain what you mean, break down the information into small segments, and give only one direction at a time, you pretty much pack it in and stop trying. It’s like attempting to have an adult conversation with a two-year old. Without the stimulation of interesting conversation, you start feeling lonely.

When your spouse reaches the stage in which they are not sure who you are, interactive, meaningful conversation is non-existent. You are truly in the parent/child mode. You are comforting them when they are fearful of you, of imaginary threats and terrors, and of their surroundings. You reassure them, guide them, and calm their fears, but that leaves you totally bereft of someone to converse with. Now the loneliness intensifies.

When your spouse no longer knows you at all, and is a shell of their former selves, you bear the loneliness of a widow/widower, but it is worse. You do not have closure – you cannot move forward – you experience the daily pain of observing the living breathing body that used to house your best friend and lover, but the person inside has been cruelly snatched away by Alzheimer’s disease. Your loneliness is complete.

I have described the experience that Alzheimer’s Disease has forced upon you, and the loneliness it has caused. Now I suppose you are waiting for a solution. Those of you who have been reading my Blogs, know that I try to provide solutions whenever possible, but sometimes, there are none, or at best, unsatisfactory ones. Once again, the research I have done on this subject has been lacking in substance. To paraphrase the research studies, they conclude…………… SPOUSES OF ALZHEIMER PATIENTS ARE PRONE TO STRESS AND LONELINESS. AND WE DIDN’T KNOW THIS?

No one can take the place of your spouse in filling your heart  and easing your loneliness. But as many on our message boards have said – when this disease strikes, you find out who your true friends are.

• Whenever possible, seek out the companionship of the friends and family  you know are in your corner, and have not run from dealing with Alzheimer’s Disease. Get respite care for your spouse and visit with these people who understand your plight.
• Use the telephone  - talk with friends from your Support Group ( If you don’t belong to one – join one).
• Vent on our message boards.
• Seek psychological counseling – there is no shame in asking for help.
• Finally, for those of you who do not have support from the Alzheimer’s Association – I listed this in a previous Blog, but it bears repeating -  log onto www.alz.org and click on “In My Community”. Click on your State.  There will be a long list of area chapters, addresses, and phone numbers for you contact for support.

            Many have sought easing of the loneliness by making friends on our message boards. You are always welcome.

Feedback to joan@thealzheimerspouse.com

 ©Copyright 2007 Joan Gershman

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