JOAN’S BLOG – THURSDAY, JANUARY 10, 2008 –- DEALING WITH THE LAST  STAGES -  THE FINAL HEARTACHE

Wow! One look at the Message Boards, and we can see that the debate rages on  – nursing home  vs. stay-at-home care . We are worrying about whether we will be able to care for our spouses at home in the later bedridden stage, and are feeling guilty if we are not able to provide such intensive care ourselves.

This topic has caused so much anxiety and concern that it has been the subject of two blogs ( #1; #2; )and at least three Message Board discussions - Nursing Home or Caring for your Spouse at Home; last stages; JR going into Long term Care on Tuesday.

Please stop beating yourselves up over this. Whatever your choice, the decision you make is the best one for YOU AND YOUR SPOUSE. Everyone is different; everyone’s, physical, emotional, and financial situations are different. My wish for you is that you do what you feel in your heart is best for both of you, and make peace with your decision.

I have not had to face this choice yet, but from the Message Boards, I give you the wisdom of those of you who have:

“ I still cry sometimes and I get lonely, especially in the evenings, but, I know that I had no choice, I could no longer care for him like he needed to be cared for.”

“ You have done the most loving and self sacrificial letting go for your beloved's ultimate good and you can rest assured you have done your utmost . You are still his main advocate to make sure he is treated with compassion, respect and dignity. this responsibility will not cease only change to a different setting.”

“I want to reassure the person who has to place their loved one in a nursing facility that they are not to feel guilty if in the progression of the disease that they must do this. It is not weakness or a fault in them that they can no longer be the primary caregiver. Each of us must do the best for our dear one and us and whatever we do is done from love and for the ultimate good of our spouse.”

“I would never question any decision someone made to place an LO.I know from first hand experience how awful it can be. Even if you have a docile and loving LO, the sheer amount of time and effort that is needed on a daily basis is mind boggling. Add to that the stress of trying to keep your own sanity and maintain some sort of life of your own, and you have a recipe for disaster.   What I am saying is that I agree that not one solution is good for everyone. No one should feel guilty....we got dealt a pretty bad "hand" and we just have to play it out the best we can.”

Tune in tomorrow for the continuing discussion - When your spouse is in the end stage of Alzheimer’s Disease and being cared for in a nursing home, you are faced with another set of emotional issues – being a widow/widower with a living spouse; confusion as how to live your life “alone”; separation anxiety; worry about how others are caring for him/her.

Feedback to joan@thealzheimerspouse.com

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