JOAN’S WEEKEND BLOG – DECEMBER 5/6, 2009 –OUR SPOUSES' FORGOTTEN EMOTIONS

Since this is my website and my blog, the emotions and thoughts are mine. I write about how this disease has affected me emotionally, and you respond by telling me that I am validating your feelings about living with a spouse with Alzheimer’s Disease. Overwhelmingly, my emotions are your emotions.
I am lonely and tired. Lonely, because I no longer have my friend, lover, and partner, to talk to on an equal intellectual level. I no longer have my partner with whom to discuss decisions. I no longer have my partner with whom I can laugh and reminisce, or make future plans. I am tired because EVERYTHING is a big project. No matter if I am explaining a phone call, giving a direction, or asking a question, it is a long, tiring, tedious project to make my husband understand and process the information. Ultimately, I end up doing everything myself, and explaining nothing, because it is too time consuming and exhausting. 

But what about our spouses? They are the ones whose brains, whose very essences, are being destroyed by Alzheimer’s Disease. What about their emotions?  I am guilty of sometimes wallowing in my own misery and not taking into consideration the misery burdening my husband.

We had a few tender moments yesterday morning, when he wrapped his arms around me, and told me how much he loves me and how much he misses me.

"Wait a minute”, I thought. “Isn’t that my line?” Aren’t I the one who is always lamenting how much I miss HIM? He is the one who is , not me. But then I realized – As he is disappearing, I am pulling away. We do not talk substantially; we do not make decisions together; we do not share winks, confidences, and private jokes anymore. How can we? He neither processes what is being said, nor remembers what was said. But he FEELS. And he feels lonely and sad that we do not have the closeness we shared for over 3 decades.  The moment I realized that, I started to cry. I cried for his pain and for all this dreadful disease has stolen from us. We held each other and cried together. Ironically, it was the most emotional closeness we have shared in a very long time.

It was then that I vowed to be more patient and tolerant of HIS needs.  He is hurting just as much as I, and as I am wrapped up in my own loss and sadness, I have forgotten his. That is intolerable, and not what I would expect if our roles were reversed.

Feedback to joan@thealzheimerspouse.com 

©Copyright 2009 Joan Gershman 
The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
2009 All Rights Reserved

The material included on this website contains general information intended as information only. This site is not intended to provide personal, professional, medical, or psychological advice, and should not be relied upon to govern behavior in any certain or particular circumstances. The opinions in the blogs are solely those of the owner of the website. The opinions on the message boards are not necessarily endorsed by the owner of this website, and are the opinions of those persons writing the messages. All material on this web site is for demonstration and informational purposes only.

The Alzheimer Spouse LLC 2009 All Rights Reserved