JOAN’S BLOG – THURS/FRI, DECEMBER 17/18, 2009 – THE IRONY OF LIFE

Who would have thought that living with a spouse with Alzheimer’s Disease would prepare me to be a spousal advisor to my own parent?

As some of you are aware, my stepmother, to whom my father has been married for 33 years, suffered a debilitating stroke last month. She is in a rehabilitation facility, receiving speech, occupational, and physical therapy. She knows who he is; she knows who everyone is, but is unable to express herself. She cannot walk, nor feed herself. For the second time in his life, my father is facing the loss of a loving wife. But this time it is different. This time it is not cancer. It is stroke, which although not like Alzheimer’s where there is no chance of recovery, many stroke victims DO recover some of their abilities. But it IS similar to Alzheimer’s Disease in that brain damage has occurred, which can alter personalities, diminish cognition and comprehension, and affect speech.

My father is driven to the rehabilitation facility every day, where he sits, holds my stepmother’s hand, and cries. He told me the other night that he wants her to be able to say his name. He wants her home (in their ALF) with him; he wants her to be the way she used to be; and he wants it to happen before he dies. At 91, he says he does not have a lot of time to wait.

I told him that I understand exactly how he feels, but that there is nothing he can do but be there for her. Hold her hand and let her know he is there. Take one day at a time. He said I could not know how he feels. “How do you know how I feel?”, he asked. “Because I live it every day”, I answered. “I miss my husband. I want him back. I want him to be the way he used to be. But it is not going to happen. So I do the best I can for him. I try to make his life as pleasant as possible. And I take one day at a time.”

He thought for awhile about what I said, and replied, “Yes, you do know how I feel. You are right. I just have to learn to take one day at a time.”

So how ironic is it that my father and I are able to understand each other’s “spousal issues?” Is that one of the so-called “benefits” I have received from living with Alzheimer’s Disease-  gaining enough wisdom to be able to counsel my own father?

I would willingly return all the wisdom, knowledge, and new experiences I have received from living with Alzheiemer’s Disease, if I could have my husband and my old life back. But it is not to be, so I suppose I should be thankful for the education this disease has brought into my life; to be thankful that in some small way, living with this horrendous disease has given me the chance to be helpful to others, including my father.

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The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
2009 All Rights Reserved

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