JOAN’S BLOG – FRIDAY, DECEMBER 11, 2009 – THE DRIVING ISSUE AGAIN!

As you can imagine from the title of this blog, I am NOT a happy camper. I really thought we had put the driving  issue to rest. After a year of verbal abuse, screaming, raging, insults, and torment, every bit directed straight at me (see May-August 08 blogs),  Risperdal and an attitude adjustment from his Alzheimer buddies, calmed my husband down. Although he never accepted his loss of driving, he at least ceased torturing me about it.

I would like to say his change of heart was due to a realization that he was destroying my emotional and mental health, but in truth, it was due to shunning by his Alzheimer friends. They were so sick of listening to him that they started to refuse to socialize with him. That seemed to do the trick. Shut him up like a clam with lockjaw. Aided by Risperdal.

In the 3 months that we have lived in the Independent Villa community, I have done everything possible to make sure that he is being kept busy and active, both here in the Villas, and within our Alzheimer social circle.  No one can be busy every single day of the week, but in between doctor appointments, he has a monthly casino trip, a monthly outing to various museums/oceanographic institutes/botanical gardens, with his Alzheimer group, twice monthly luncheons with the Alzheimer group, monthly luncheon with the Villas, weekly movies with our group of friends, weekly card/game get-together with his Alzheimer buddies, weekly water aerobics in our Villa pool, and we have attended two live musical shows in the last two months. By anyone’s estimation, I would venture that is more stimulation and socialization than most people with Alzheimer’s Disease receive.

Is he satisfied?  NO. He has started to pout and complain that he likes “some” of the activities, such as the casino trips, but only goes to the others because “It’s better than sitting in the house doing nothing.” According to him, he will only be satisfied when he can drive HIMSELF where he wants to go when he wants to go, and there is no reason that he cannot drive locally. He never misses an opportunity to show me a newspaper article about some 80+ year old Alzheimer patient who got lost driving. “See? He’s 80, and he’s driving. I’m only 67, and you won’t let me drive.” The fact that the 80 year old Alzheimer patient should not have been driving, and was lost, does not register with him.

Although I am fully aware that he is doing his pouting, complaining, sighing, putting on a sad face, and pointing out these newspaper articles, in a blatant attempt to aggravate me, I am taking the bait. I am aggravated. And annoyed. And upset. And angry.

The truth is that Alzheimer’s Disease or no Alzheimer’s Disease, broken reasoning button or not, I am sick and tired of being the punching bag. Why does he NEED to aggravate me? It is possible that I would handle it better if he was not doing it on PURPOSE. But purposeful it is. We spent a week at my sister’s house, and she said she could see it in his eyes when he was purposefully trying to “get a rise out of me.”  

As I write this, I realize that I should be ignoring him, just as I would ignore a two year old who pulled a tantrum. I should not be allowing him to get that rise out of me. Ah, but when one has been through so much torment for so long, and had just gotten used to a little peace and quiet, it is difficult to ignore that whiny two year old.

And yes, I also realize that I just wrote a blog about being sensitive to our spouses' emotions, but it this case, I am sorry to say, I no longer care how he feels. For a solid year, he beat the driving horse to death, alienating me and his friends, frustrating all of his social workers and doctors, and driving everyone within earshot crazy with his incessant complaining, crying, and temper tantrums. I am finished being sensitive on this issue. Now if I could just learn to ignore his so far successful attempt at annoying me.

Feedback to joan@thealzheimerspouse.com 

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The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
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