JOAN’S BLOG – FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 29, 2008 – THE AGONY OF AD DESTRUCTION – MY HUSBAND’S VIEW

Yesterday I discussed the toll Alzheimer’s Disease was taking on my marriage; how it had changed the personalities of both my husband and me, and how my goal was now to try to adjust to the situation as it is, not how it was or I wish it could be.

But as much as this disease is hurting me, my husband reminds me who the real victim is by crying out – “What do you think it’s doing to ME? How do you think I feel?”

This is how he feels, and perhaps so too does your Alzheimer afflicted spouse. That everything is being taken away from him – his memory; his ability to provide for me; his freedom (the driving thing again!); his clear thinking. He says I cannot know how frustrating it is to forget everything, and how confusing it is to not understand what I am talking about when I say he isn’t “getting it”.

But the worst of it is his knowledge that he is hurting the one person he has loved more than anyone in his entire life – me. How lucky and blessed I have been to be the recipient of such devotion. In my new found wisdom, I have assured him that I understand that it is Alzheimer’s Disease that is hijacking his behavior; that it is Alzheimer’s Disease that is hurting me, not HIM. He still feels that HE is causing me horrific pain, and that is something he cannot bear.

His perspective has made me think that some of us just do not realize that our spouses would do anything possible to spare us from this agony. To illustrate how universal this desire is to all Alzheimer patients, read the words of Ronald Reagan in his last letter to the American people: “Unfortunately, as Alzheimer's disease progresses, the family often bears a heavy burden. I only wish there was some way I could spare Nancy from this painful experience.”

Sid has no control over what Alzheimer’s Disease does to him. It is I who have the control over how I react to it.  I am trying to do better. He deserves no less. To all of you who e-mailed me with words of support, encouragement, and advice – Thank you - you have helped more than you can imagine.

Feedback to joan@thealzheimerspouse.com

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