JOAN’S WEEKEND BLOG – APRIL 19/20, 2008 – HEALING TEARS

As is often the case, this Blog was inspired by the comments on a message board topic. This particular one, by the topic,  “Being able to talk about LO... tears????”

I believe wholeheartedly in feeling the emotions - however hurtful- and letting the tears flow when needed.

I would like to share with you a little story that, I think, illustrates my point. My mother suffered from lung cancer for two years - no need to tell you what that is like - I am sure many of you know the cancer scenario. She willed herself (which I believe terminally ill patients can do – I’ve seen it many times) to stay alive for my wedding, and as soon as I was married, she went downhill fast, and died less than two months later. I sat at that funeral, and listened to nothing, taking deep breaths, telling myself - it will be over soon; it will be over soon. I have, to this day, 37 1/2 years later, NO memory of her burial at the cemetery. I remember being driven to the cemetery; I remember being driven away from the cemetery. I remember NOTHING that happened AT the cemetery. I cried afterwards, and for the next 20 years, pushed the grief aside every time it welled up.

One day, I was sitting with a new friend I had only known about a year, and she started talking about her brother who had died in Vietnam. She told me how she never let herself feel the grief, until she found letters he had written while at war. She read every one of them, and sobbed uncontrollably for the first time since his death. She realized, at that moment, that she had never allowed herself to mourn his death, and she needed to do that. For the next few months, she thought about him, cried over him, and finally worked through the grief.

As she was telling me this story, I burst into tears. I suddenly realized that is what I had been doing for 20 years in relation to my mother's death. I had never let myself mourn, and the grief just built up inside until the dam broke when I heard her story. Finally, I allowed myself to think about my mother, who she had been, how much I had loved her, the suffering she endured, the loss I felt. And I cried. And cried. And cried. 20 years of tears. I still cry when I talk about her. I am crying as I write this. But I now can also talk about the good times and smile in remembrance. I have finally worked through the grief as my friend did with her brother.

I believe with all my heart and soul that as we go through this AD journey, however despicable it is, we need to feel each torturous, painful emotion, and cry as often as we need to. As we lose a little more of our lovers and our relationship with them at each new stage of the disease; as each new stage torments us; we need to grieve, mourn, and cry. If we don't, the pent up emotions will destroy us, surely as this disease is destroying our spouses.

Please post comments under existing Message Board Topic: “Being able to talk about LO... tears????”

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