JOAN’S WEEKEND BLOG – AUGUST 31-SEPT.2, 2007 – DIFFERENT FRIENDS FOR DIFFERENT TIMES

This week we have explored the topic of the loneliness that assaults us head on, rather than creeps up slowly, when our AD spouses “leave us” emotionally and mentally. Many of you fill the void by working, reading, writing, and in the case of the younger spouses, whose partners are victims of EOAD, focusing on raising your children.

Writing is my therapy, but it is a solitary activity, and I know I also need the companionship and support of friends.

Although what is best for one person is not necessarily best for another, I believe we all need, and will benefit from, the company of friends.

That brings up another big issue that I dealt with in the Blog on Friendships - http://thealzheimerspouse.com/socialization.htm You no longer have anything in common with your social circle of friends; your spouse may be incapable of participating in the activities all of you enjoyed together; your friends may not know how to interact with your spouse; your interests and focuses are different, so there is little to talk about.

It is now the time in your life to make friends in the Alzheimer Community – support groups; fundraising activities; caregiver conferences. You may balk at the idea at first – this isn’t what you planned your life to be – this isn’t the social circle you planned to have. No, it isn’t, but these are the people who will understand and support you at this time in your lives. How invigorating it is to meet, network, and rediscover adult conversation with people from all different walks of life.

Nothing I could write expresses this idea better than the e-mail I received from Teresa, who has given me permission to print it here for all of you to read. It is concise and insightful. See below:

"As I was reading your blog about friends, a saying occurred to me, which I think is helpful to me and possibly others at this time.

We can have friends for a reason, friends for a season, and friends for a lifetime.

I used to think that only lifetime friends were valuable.  That the reason and season friends were not true friends.  But now I think that God sends us all three kinds of friends, and that they are all equally valuable, and can all make lasting impressions on our lives. 

When dementia of any kind enters our lives, we sometimes lose friends that we thought would be lifetime friends, or at least they drift away and aren't as connected.  Then we may need to look around and find friends that may enter our lives only for a specific reason, or might be friends for just a season.  I have new friends that I have very little in common with, except for dealing with dementia.  There is a good chance that after we have dealt with dementia to the end, our friendship will end, because we will no longer have a common bond.  That is ok.  We were there for each other when we needed it the most.  We may find friends that enter our lives for a specific reason - a piece of extraordinary advice, a referral to a valuable resource, companionship for a certain period of time.  They may come into and go from our lives quickly, but their importance in our lives cannot be discounted."

Thank you, Teresa.

If all goes well, the new message boards will be up on Saturday.  Until then, keep writing on the old ones, and I will check in often to post them.

Feedback to joan@thealzheimerspouse.com

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