JOAN’S BLOG – MONDAY, DECEMBER 17, 2007 – LIVING WITH AN AD SPOUSE – REFLECTIONS ON THE BAD DAYS

Today started out very badly for me (which is why this Blog is posted so late), and oddly, or coincidentally, apparently it did for many of you. One look at the message boards and e-mails this morning told me that AD was roaring today.  In my case, it was a plumbing back-up and an argument with my husband about calling a plumber. No matter how many different ways I tried to explain that we needed to call a plumber, he adamantly insisted that if he determined the problem was outside of the house, we could save money by not calling the plumber. He said that all we would need to do was tell our builder it was an outside problem that he was responsible for. Inside, outside – it didn’t matter. We’ve lived here a year; the warranty is up; and either way, we needed a plumber here to determine what the problem was. The more I tried to explain, the more his arguing escalated, and the less sense he made.

It is times like these that the AD demon rears its ugly head to remind me that he won’t allow the quiet times to last. It is times like these that I am sucker punched into realizing that AD rules; that I am the one who has to temper, change, and adjust my responses to my husband’s behavior, because AD will not allow him to adjust.  

Looking at the situation from a calm, logical standpoint, one that cannot be taken in the heat of the moment, I realize what is happening with my spouse and yours. AD has interfered with their reasoning and thinking ability. When they become agitated and/or angry, they are even less able to reason clearly. As the agitation increases, the reasoning decreases. That is it in a nutshell. Our arguing back, trying to reason, trying to explain, and then yelling, is completely useless. It serves absolutely no purpose except to give us a headache, nervous anxiety, and a crying jag.

Later on, they are usually apologetic, even if they still don’t understand that they were irrational. After one of these episodes, when I tell my husband what he said, he will often say – “That isn’t what I meant.”  They do not have the ability to either reason or express their thoughts correctly.

What we need to do is back away, ignore their arguing, and handle the situation in our own way. Now, wasn’t that easy? No it wasn’t. It is extremely difficult to remember what we’re supposed to do in the middle of a screaming match. And I cannot help it, but I continue to resent being the one who has to make all of the adjustments; the one who has to back away from the argument; the one who has to listen to all the unreasonable rants; the one who has to be clam, reasonable, and “handle it”.

So for all of us who are having a bad day, I think a group hug, and lots of understanding and support for one another is in order.

Feedback to joan@thealzheimerspouse.com

Somehow there is always humor - In Monday's Blog , I said that hours after an irrational episode, Sid will apologize. I will tell him what he said during his rants, and he will say, "That's not what I meant." Word for word, that is EXACTLY what happened last night around 10 PM. I told him not to worry about it - it wasn't his fault. "Just forget it," I said. "Forget it." He looked at me, laughed, and said, "Well, we know that's going to happen, for sure."

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