JOAN’S BLOG – THE AGONY OF AD DESTRUCTION- THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 28, 2008

How is it possible that a disease can destroy a relationship that has been built on a lifetime of love, respect, passion, caring, and what seemed to be a emotional bond made of steel?

I have been giving that question a lot of thought this week as I stare helplessly at the tattered remains of a 38 year love affair that lie in a heap at my feet.

I ask again – How could a disease do this? It does it by stealing the personality, cognition, abilities, rational thinking, judgment, memory, and reasoning ability of the person it attacks. When the person changes, the relationship changes from a partnership of love and passion to that of parent/child; caregiver/patient.

In our case, and yours too, I would guess, the AD patient is not the only one whose personality is forever altered by the devil named Alzheimer. It has morphed me from a warm, supportive, loving partner into an angry, resentful, cranky drill sergeant who has to make and enforce the rules.; explain what they mean; explain everything I say (20 times); repeat what I say, explain what everyone else says; make the lists, and on and on and on. I hate how this disease has changed my husband; I hate how it has changed me.

I have been fighting it with every ounce of strength I possess and every breath I take. I am losing. The changes in him, in me, in our life, are permanent. The challenge now is for me to learn how to relate to the person Alzheimer’s Disease has sent in place of my husband.

I am not doing a good job. We are having a very bad week.  It should have been obvious to me that screaming obscenities at him and trying to reason with him, in an effort to get him to understand how his childish, stubborn, irrational, rebellious behavior was hurting me, was not only counter productive – it was stupid. Yes, it should have been obvious to me, but having fallen into my own tunnel of irrationality, I managed to not only stoop to his level of cognition, but to cause as much emotional pain to him as he did to me.

When I finally came to my senses, after a night of yelling and sobbing, I realized that his behavior, however vile, is not his fault.  His brain and behavior are the puppets of the Alzheimer Devil.  Since I am supposed to be the rational, healthy spouse, it is up to me to learn how to “let go” of the old relationship I nurtured and cherished for a lifetime, and learn to deal with my husband as he is now. Nothing I have ever attempted in my life has been more difficult than that task. It is hard; it hurts; it wears down your emotional well being and physical strength and stamina. But I fell in love at first sight with this man, and have shared most of my life with him – I will always love and cherish who he was and what we had together. I owe it to both of us to try to make the rest of our lives together as calm, peaceful, and loving as possible.

So where are we after a miserable week of AD spouse behaving badly and Caregiver spouse behaving abominably? We are waiting for answers from our two social workers, who are putting their heads together to come up with the names of private counselors whom they feel will be good “fits” for each of us.

Having been the poster child for the nastiest in caregiver behavior this week, I am trying to make up for it by being fair. As deeply as The Alzheimer Devil has thrust his pitchfork into my heart, it is my husband who is suffering his worst torture. When I get so stressed over my pain and frustration, I tend to be blind  to how much my husband is hurting. Please tune in tomorrow for Sid’s perspective on the AD devil.

Feedback to joan@thealzheimerspouse.com

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