JOAN’S BLOG – WEDNESDAY, JULY 2, 2008 – I’VE ACCEPTED THE RELATIONSHIP CHANGE – NOW TELL ME HOW TO LIVE WITH IT.

Okay. Okay. Okay. I finally got it. After over a year of everyone telling me to “let go” of the old relationship; it’s not going to work the way it did for all of those decades; stop trying to relate to your husband as the spouse he was; stop trying to reason with him; stop trying to expect him to make decisions with you; stop trying to expect him to understand deep conversation; stop, stop, stop, I finally got it.  I don’t like it, but I got it.

All of the advice from veteran spouses, social workers , doctors, conferences, seminars, and books, could not penetrate my head and heart as much as reading the article I mentioned in yesterday’s Blog – “Understanding the Dementia Experience” by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller. I think it may have been the way she was able to grant me entrance into the Alzheimer brain from the patient’s perspective, that made me realize I was not going to win against this disease. It invaded my husband’s brain; his reasoning; his rationality; his comprehension; his view of the universe, and it forced us out of the circle we have inhabited together for almost 4 decades. It forced us to live in separate circles.

I understand that he cannot be flexible, make changes, understand my reasoning, remember what we shared the day before. I understand that I have to make the concessions and adjustments in order for us both to live in some sort of harmony. And believe me, if the choice is between continued meltdowns as I experienced last week, or making concessions, I’ll make the concessions. I have no choice. I cannot go on in this constant state of emotional turmoil.

Last night Sid and I were having a screaming argument, I was gasping for breath in the midst of what felt like a blood pressure explosion, and I WAS ASLEEP! I was having a nightmare, and when I awoke, still shaking with anger, I knew I had to give up on trying to hold onto our old methods of relating, or the stress from the effort of it was going to kill me.

So folks, I get it.  To say that I am depressed at the thought of losing a relationship that has met all of my needs since I was 21 years old, is somewhat of an understatement. Many of you are behind me on this journey, so knowing this is ahead of you is probably not the highlight of your day. Many of you are ahead of me on this journey, and have gone through this. I know you did not ask for it; do not like it; but are somehow managing. My question is HOW? As you go through your daily life, answering the repetitive questions; ignoring the irrationality; making all of the decisions yourself;  making surface conversation; explaining simple information in step by step detail; living in their world, which is only for the day, with no dreams or expectations for the future, and NOT losing patience over it, how are YOUR emotional and intellectual needs being met? 

MESSAGE BOARD TOPIC: Living Your New Life - Joan's Blog- 7/2/08

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