JOAN’S BLOG – FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 11, 2009 – ACCEPTANCE COMES IN INCREMENTS

In January 2007, I walked into an Alzheimer Support Group for the first time. I was confused, frightened, angry, and downright hysterical that my beloved husband had undergone a personality change so drastic, that I was living with a stranger. A stranger I not only could not relate to; I did not even like him. I wanted my husband back, and I wanted these people in the group to tell me how to accomplish that feat.
Instead, I listened to a woman whose husband was in a dementia facility tell us how all of her stress was relieved when she learned to “accept”.  After fighting the disease for years, she finally accepted that Alzheimer’s Disease had taken the husband she knew; there was nothing she could do about it; she was going to see that he was well taken care of; visit him often, and then she was going to live the best life she could for herself.
If I wasn’t hysterical enough when I walked in, her statements put me over the edge. Being a polite little soul, I did not scream at her. I did not say anything to her. But my emotions were in a complete turmoil. “Accept this????? How am I supposed to accept no longer having the husband I loved for 35 years??????”, I asked myself. I want my husband back!
Over the course of the next 2 years, every social worker I met, reiterated that theme to me. With acceptance comes inner peace and calm. “So what happens?”, I repeatedly asked. “Do I wake up one day and all of a sudden, I accept the situation?”
Perhaps it happens that way for some, but for me, it has occurred in increments.  As Alzheimer’s Disease affects every patient differently, I believe the same applies to the reaction of a spouse to the disease. Everyone reacts and accepts differently.
For me, each new Alzheimer symptom brings an initial element of shock. It should not. I have read about all of the symptoms and know what to expect, but when it happens to you and your own spouse, there is a jolt of surprise. Up until recently, after the “surprise”, I reacted to every new symptom with an effort to make it better for Sid – lists and notes to aid his memory; “reasoning” with him over the driving issue and the rages (HA!). It was only after my OWN anxiety attacks, nightmares, panic attacks, and unending sobbing, did I “accept” that I cannot reason with him; I cannot fix his memory; and medication is needed for the rages.
Each new symptom is a “death” of a part of the husband I knew. With each new symptom, which lately has been increased confusion, apathy, more mood swings, and lack of empathy, there is this repeated shock, denial, grief, and finally, acceptance. I feel that acceptance in increments is more torturous that a one-time total acceptance, but unless Alzheimer’s Disease attacks me and alters my personality completely, my way is my way, and I cannot change it.
I am making progress, as the time frame between the onset of a new symptom and my acceptance of it, is decreasing. Although the overwhelming sadness of what we have lost together is increasing, I am accepting the inevitable in my own incremental way.
What about you? Did you have an "A-ha" moment when acceptance came suddenly, or are you accepting in increments as I have? Or have you not yet accepted? MESSAGE BOARD TOPIC: Joan's Blog - Acceptance in Increments

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