JOAN’S BLOG – MON/TUE., OCTOBER 31/NOV 1, 2011 – DO YOU EVER WISH YOU COULD……………..

Whenever I write a blog that bares my soul honestly, and exposes my selfish side, it takes days of decision making as to whether or not to post it. As is almost always the case, I post it in the hope that others will relate and realize they are not alone if they share my thoughts and emotions.

At this point in my life, when I should be enjoying carefree days here in sunny Florida, lounging by the pool; sitting with a book on my patio; traveling the world with my husband, I am, instead, overwhelmed with caregiving, household, financial, and chauffeuring duties. I am also trying to work from home to supplement an income that was destroyed in the housing and financial crisis. I am always busy, and someone, either my father or my husband, needs me to do something for them – in addition to everything else I do. As I am writing this, I am eating the last Lean Cuisine in the freezer, because I have not had time to go grocery shopping.

With my busy life caring for others and doing everything that needs to be done, I find myself wishing I could:

Have only myself to worry about.

Take off for the beach in the middle of the afternoon, for no other reason than I feel like it.

Go on a cruise in a single cabin all by myself.

Take off for San Francisco and visit my son for a few weeks, with no one to worry about.

Stay up until 3 AM if I choose, reading a book I love, with no one to tell me I have to shut the light off and go to sleep.

Do whatever I want whenever I want with no one to answer to.

Make it all about ME for a change.

What concerns me is that in my current circumstances, I will only be able to live for ME, when two of the most important people in my life die – my father from old age (which is as it should be), and my husband from Alzheimer’s Disease. Now, THAT is disturbing to me. I have made peace (I think) with the idea of my father dying. After all, he is 93. But my husband? My husband, who will be 69 next month, and has been living with Alzheimer’s Disease for 9 years? I cannot accept that he has to die for me to live again. We should be living and enjoying life together. I should not be wishing to be alone and free from the isolation and burdensome work of caregiving. But I am. And I am ashamed of myself for feeling this way.

After reading this, I am sure you understand why, up until the very last second, I was indecisive about posting it. I chose to let you read it, and I would like to hear your honest comments on the Message Boards: Joan’s Blog – Do you ever wish you could………

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The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
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