JOAN’S BLOG – WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 29, 2014 – WHY ARE YOU ANGRY?

The blogs I have written during the 7 years of this website’s existence, although chronicling my journey through my husband’s Alzheimer Disease, have also served other purposes. Based upon the feedback I have received, they have educated and informed Alzheimer spouses about the disease, but most important to me, have demonstrated, through my struggles, that all of your emotions related to the disease – shock, anger, frustration, loneliness, - are shared by every Alzheimer spouse – that you are not ALONE. I have tried to impart positivity when possible, advising on the importance of activities and socialization that is appropriate for early and middle stages of the disease. I have encouraged, supported, and demonstrated through my and Sid’s activities, the idea of doing, going, and enjoying as much of life as possible, while journeying through this disease. But I have also validated your negative emotions. Above all, I have told the truth. I have not sugar coated any of the difficulties of being in an Alzheimer marriage. That raw honesty brings me to the subject of today’s blog – ANGER.

After 10 years of navigating Alzheimer’s Disease, facility placement of my husband 14 months ago, and one health, management, and emotional crisis after another, I could not handle it anymore. I finally found a counselor with whom I “clicked”, and she has been helping me keep my head above water. We have been discussing my depression and what to do about it. During our last session, we were talking about some of my more acute depressive episodes, when she suddenly asked me – What are you angry about?  Huh? What? I’m depressed, not angry. She smiled, and repeated quietly – What are you angry about? She said that my type of depression ( situational depression as opposed to clinical depression) is a reaction to deep seated anger. It is the body’s way of internalizing and avoiding dealing with anger.

I stopped for a minute, thought about what she asked, and felt the anger rumble from the bottom of my being. It was as if a volcano were beginning to erupt deep within me. I could feel the lava rising and finally spewing out of my mouth. I AM ANGRY AT THE WAY OUR LIVES TURNED OUT. IT’S NOT FAIR. IT SHOULDN’T BE THIS WAY. I AM ANGRY THAT MY HARD WORKING LOVING HUSBAND IS REDUCED TO A SHELL. I AM ANGRY THAT WE DIDN’T HAVE ENOUGH TIME TOGETHER. The words started coming, and I could not break the flow of them. I realized that in my effort to be “noble”, and espouse the attitude that everyone gets some trauma in life, and Alzheimer’s was simply what Sid and I had been dealt, I had been suppressing the anger I really felt. This suppression of anger was paralyzing me into a depression that was curling me up in bed, retreating from dealing with anything, including working on my website.

The assignment my counselor gave me until our next session was to write down everything that was making me angry. Get it out. Look at it. Own it. Accept it. The hope is that once I get it out in the open, I will be able to move on from my depression.

Since I know for sure that I am not the only one dealing with anger over what this disease has done to my life and marriage, I thought it would be helpful to others to join me in expressing their anger. Because no one but another Alzheimer Spouse can relate to what we feel, this is the place to share those feelings. Others may sympathize, but quickly tire of listening to us.

Here is an abbreviated list of why I am angry. Please add your own anger reasons on the message boards. I am hoping that knowing that others share these emotions will help us all heal.  

I AM ANGRY BECAUSE:
My husband got Alzheimer’s Disease…
Alzheimer’s Disease destroyed my life with my husband…
I have to start all over making a new life for myself without my husband…
I am not as strong and independent as I thought I was…
We did not have enough time together…
We will not grow old together…
My husband has forgotten our wonderful life together…
I am watching my loving, strong, funny, bright man turn into a shell with no memory or ability…
I am lonely…
He worked hard and loved his family –it’s not fair that he ended up like this…

These are just some of the reasons I am angry. Now it’s your turn. Share your reasons for being angry with us on the Message Boards: Joan’s Blog – Why are you angry?

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The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
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