JOAN’S BLOG – THUR/FRI, MARCH 25/26, 2010- WHO AM I?

We are mothers, wives, husbands, fathers, and every other type of relative to someone. We are or were engineers, teachers, lawyers, nurses – a varied array of workers. We are caregivers, and for now, that role eclipses whatever or whoever else we are or were.

Last week, I was talking with a recent Alzheimer’s widow, who told me she was working on figuring out who she was. When we are no longer part of a team; when we are no longer someone’s spouse; and especially when we are no longer caregivers, who are we?

I think the answer to that question is important, because as with my friend, when our caregiving roles are completed, and we are alone, we will be living with only ourselves. We need to understand who we are in order to go forward with a fulfilling life. This applies to both men and women.

Yes, I am aware I have written about, and we have discussed developing an alternate life, friends, and activities while still caregiving to prepare for life “after”, but today’s topic is different. After a lifetime as a wife, mother, educator, and now caregiver, I am looking deep into myself and trying to answer the question, “Who am I?”

Do you have an answer for yourself? Have you thought about it? How does one answer that question without referencing their family and professional roles, and more importantly, why does it matter?

It matters to me because when my Alzheimer’s journey is finished, and I am alone, I want to move on – out of the Alzheimer’s World. That is not to say I will not continue to advocate and educate for Alzheimer’s causes. It is to say that I will not be able to function proficiently in the “outside” world if I do not know who I am as something other than a caregiver.

I decided to find “me” by making an honest list of my personality traits, and see if they led me to a better understanding of myself. It was an enlightening experience. I became rather intimately acquainted with myself, which gave me the opportunity to understand what I want and need in order to be happy on my own. I also discovered that many of my personality traits have not changed since I was a child, although through compromises required for raising a child of my own, being a wife, and getting along with extended family, I have sometimes willingly and sometimes not so willingly buried those traits.

I am going to give you a small example of my journey to self discovery, and how it helped me understand what I will need to enjoy a satisfying life after caregiving. I highly recommend you try it for yourself, because your caregiving days will end; you will no longer be a spouse; and you will need to get reacquainted with “you”.

Who am I?  A mass of contradictions according to my list of personality traits. Serious and fun loving. Spontaneous and a control freak. Selfish and compassionate. Lazy and hard working. I will work out what these mean for my future life on my own.

What I want to share with you is a trait that has not changed, as I mentioned above, most likely since I was born. I am a loner, not a joiner, and highly intellectually curious. When I was a child, my mother wanted to send me to summer day camp. ( I did go for about 2 weeks – I hated it!) I wanted to sit on the front porch with a book. Oh, I loved playing outside with my friends – roller skating, exploring, ball, hopscotch – but I hated the idea of having to participate in a certain activity at a certain time with a large group. Swimming lessons at 9; boating at 10; gimp weaving at 11. My mantra was – leave me alone, and let me play with my friends when I feel like it; read my books for the summer when I feel like it; do my drawings by myself when I feel like it.

This particular trait followed me into adulthood. I never joined a Mahjong group; I hate shopping trips with a busload of women; I never joined women’s groups at our place of worship. I enjoy going to lunch or a museum with one or two friends, and NEVER as a specified weekly activity that I am obligated to attend. This tells me that when I am no longer a caregiver, and my time is my own, I will most likely not be joining a bunch of clubs in which I am obligated not only to show up at meetings, but to take a turn planning and organizing the events. It tells me that I will probably audit classes in subjects I have always wanted to study; maybe read to children in hospitals; attend conferences; and write. And continue to go out socially and travel with a few good friends. That is a lot of knowledge gleaned from looking at just two traits - being a loner and intellectually curious. Imagine what I will discover when I delve into the rest of my personality.

Now it is your turn. Make your list of personality traits and see where it leads you. You may be surprised to not only discover who you are, but where that knowledge will take you in your life after caregiving.

MESSAGE BOARD TOPIC: Joan's Blog - Who am I?

Feedback to joan@thealzheimerspouse.com

©Copyright 2010 Joan Gershman 
The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
2010 All Rights Reserved
Under penalty of copyright laws, this information cannot be copied or posted on any website, media, or print outlet, without referencing the author and website from which it was taken.

The material included on this website contains general information intended as information only. This site is not intended to provide personal, professional, medical, or psychological advice, and should not be relied upon to govern behavior in any certain or particular circumstances. The opinions in the blogs are solely those of the owner of the website. The opinions on the message boards are not necessarily endorsed by the owner of this website, and are the opinions of those persons writing the messages. All material on this web site is for demonstration and informational purposes only.           

The Alzheimer Spouse LLC 2010 All Rights Reserved