JOAN’S BLOG – JANUARY 5, 2009 – WHERE HAS ALL THE LAUGHTER GONE?

Those who know me, or rather those who KNEW me BEFORE Alzheimer’s Disease entered my life, would tell you that I had a great sense of humor, always found the humor in life’s strange little happenstances. I was generally a pretty happy, upbeat, positive person.

It was one of the traits in me that Sid loved, and it kept us bonded through every experience life threw our way – the good, the bad, and the ugly.

I loved being able to laugh with my husband at our adventures and secrets, big and small, serious and frivolous.  I loved being among a group of friends or strangers, and exchanging an eyebrow lift, a smirk, a wink with my husband, and knowing that we both understood to what our silent giggles referred.

I loved making him laugh with my witty, unexpected comments at the oddest times. I loved waking up in the morning and laughing together over an incident of the previous day.

I loved being happy, full of humor, and enjoying the mutual memories of what brought on the laughter.

Oh, there is still some laughter. I do manage to find humor in many of Alzheimer’s Disease’s oddities. But the shared memories are not always there. I can smile and reference an experience of months or years ago, and instead of a laugh and a wink, I get a blank stare. “No, I don’t remember that,” he says, and I hurt as I feel the bonds loosening.

I look in the mirror, and instead of twinkling light, I see sadness in my eyes. I don’t like it. I don’t like losing the “laughter” bond; I don’t like losing the joy in my life; I don’t like losing the spring in my step.

Alzheimer’s Disease is a series of losses. I have lost a lot less than many of you, yet I feel the loss of laughter profoundly.

Feedback to joan@thealzheimerspouse.com

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