JOAN’S MON/TUE BLOG – APRIL 19/20, 2010 – WHAT WILL MAKE A CAREGIVING SPOUSE HAPPY?

As an Alzheimer Spouse, we cannot have what we want most – our spouses and our relationships with them back to pre-Alzheimer days. That is not going to happen, and most of us, through months and years of fierce denial, untenable stress, and oceans of tears, finally came to realize that fact. Those who have not yet come to that realization, eventually will.

I sit here and I think to myself – Whether I like it or not, which I do not, this is my life for an unknown period of time. I live, depending upon the day, in a whirlpool of caregiving from which there is no escape; on a roller coaster of Alzheimer behaviors and alternating abilities that are impossible to predict and exhausting to keep up with; and in a vacuum of loneliness with a confused man-boy. So I have been asking myself lately – What will make me happy during this time of turmoil?  It is a much more difficult question to answer than I had anticipated. I started writing this blog on Sunday afternoon. It is now Monday morning. It took me all of yesterday and this morning to finally come up with an answer.

I have accepted the loss of complex conversation, decision sharing, playful bantering based upon memories, but having my husband meet my emotional needs in the smallest possible manner would make me happy. How is that possible?

A wise spousal caregiving friend of mine told me that she asks for the simplest of things she knows her husband is capable of providing. Smile, say hello, sit with me and hold my hand when I come home from work. His ability to comply with that minimal request makes her happy.

Another friend of mine, a recent widow, told me that when the conversations about the deep meaning of the universe with her brilliant scientist husband were no longer possible, sitting with him on their patio overlooking the river, drinking wine, and watching the sunset, made her happy.

Shutting off the TV, taking the headphones off, sitting on the couch together, holding me in his arms, and telling me he loves me – that is possible for him. I would like that. It would be a simple gesture he could do to meet my emotional needs for now, during this Alzheimer time in our lives.

Have you given this any thought? You have lost so much with your spouses, but is there something he/she is capable of doing now that would make you happy?  Share your feelings on the message boards: Joan’s Monday Blog – What will make a caregiving spouse happy?

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The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
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