JOAN’S BLOG- FRIDAY, APRIL 19, 2013 – WHAT IF IT WERE ME?

Perhaps because I am a burned out caregiver, a heartbroken wife, and am exhausted from not only caring for my husband, but navigating and fighting a Medicaid system all by myself, I have been impatient, grumpy, and resentful towards my husband. He deserves better than I have been giving him lately, which has caused me to reflect – What if it were me?

What if my brain failed me, and no matter how hard I tried, I could not remember the questions I had asked. How would I feel if the one person I have loved and depended upon for a lifetime, rolled his eyes at me and yelled – “Stop. Stop. Please stop asking me. You’ve asked me that same question five times tonight.” I would feel dejected, rejected, sad, and hurt.

What if my once sharp mind wandered into Neverland when my spouse was talking; what if when I did hear what he was saying, I could not follow or understand most of the information he was trying to convey. It was too confusing. What if when I looked at him with bewilderment, he said to me – “Weren’t you listening to me? Where were you?” I would feel so sad that I could not live up to his expectations. I would feel so hurt that he was not being kinder to me.

What if my once strong body failed me; I was in constant pain; and I could not move my feet more than a few inches at a time. What if he pushed my wheelchair too fast and I screamed at him to slow down. What if he said to me, “I’m doing the best I can. You complain about everything I do for you.” I would feel angry at myself for losing my temper, but also angry at him for not having more patience with me.

What if, no matter how hard I tried, I could not remember that I told him to take out the garbage; fill my drink; get me the remote; call the doctor; shut off the light. So I told him to do those things again and again and again. What if after the 3rd time of telling him, he snapped at me – “ Stop nagging me. I heard you. I can only do one thing at a time.” I would feel sad and hurt.

This is what I have been thinking about lately as my patience and stamina have left me, taking my empathy and compassion with them. I am trying to remind myself how devastated I would be if both my body and mind crashed on me, and the only person on whom I depended to take care of me was impatient and testy with me.

After a meeting this morning with our new case manager, it seems that I will now get nightly help in preparing my husband for bed. I do so hope that the extra help relieves enough of my burnout, so that I can give my husband the best, not the worst, of myself.   

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