JOAN’S BLOG – TUE/WED, APRIL 3/4, 2012 – WAS IT ALL A MOVIE?

If Sid did not have Alzheimer’s Disease, I imagine that if we talked about our lives together, we would reminisce and revel in the good parts, discuss the bad parts and what we could have done differently, laugh over our misadventures, and bask in the warmth of our decades old emotional connection.

But he does have Alzheimer’s Disease, which means that when I foolishly bring up an incident from our past, he looks at me blankly, and says he does not recall what I am talking about. Of course, I remember the big milestones, the little incidents, the goofy playful times. Since I have those memories, when recalling them, I should at least “feel” the old bond we shared before Alzheimer’s Disease invaded his brain and took the connected “us” away. But I do not. I feel as if I am watching a movie of someone else’s life. It is an odd feeling, and I don’t like it.

This makes me wonder about shared memories. Is it only possible to go back and “feel” the emotions tied to those memories when both of you are able to do so? If the memory is there for only one of the pair, does it mean that the emotions tied to those incidents are gone? Or do I have too much Zoloft in my body to be able to “feel” anymore? I have no answers. It is why I am asking the questions.

I never thought much about this until it started to happen to me. One night, I saw something on TV about an airline misadventure. It reminded me of “Joan and Sid’s Greatest Adventure”. Our 2003 adventure involved a broken plane, 12 hours in an airport, a bomb scare, an airport evacuation, an overnight stay in a hotel, the 11 o’clock news, and the heroic effort of a tired pilot facing down 200 hysterical passengers. No one who was there will ever forget it – unless he has since developed Alzheimer’s Disease.  When I referenced the adventure to Sid, he gave me the blank stare, and said, “Yeah, I guess I kind of vaguely remember something about it.”

His failure to recall one of the most lengthy and newsworthy incidents ever to involve us, took all the fun out of reminiscing about it. It was no longer something that happened to “us”. It happened. I was there, and now I look back on it as viewing a movie.

I do not know if this weird detachment is specific to me or if other Alzheimer spouses feel the same about the loss of shared memories. I would like to hear from you on this topic. Please post comments on the Message Board: Joan’s Blog – Was it all a movie?

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