JOAN’S WEEKEND BLOG – APRIL 17/18, 2010 –AN UNEXPECTED REACTION

Recreational reading is a pleasure I have enjoyed since my mother read fairy tales to me when I was a toddler. Having a life as busy as mine relegates reading time to airplane rides and bedtime, but I cannot go to sleep without a book in my hand. More often than not, my bedtime reading consists of stories that take me as far away from Alzheimer’s disease and caregiving as I can get. Mystery/romance/sex/supernatural.

Recently, I was reading a book in which the main character irritated me to death. Generally, disliking the protagonist is enough for me to stop reading and choose a different book.  As annoying as this character was, I still wanted to find out what happened, so I finished the story. Although I very rarely relate anything in my “fun” reading to Alzheimer’s Disease, it was my experience with my husband’s descent into Alzheimer’s Disease that made me so aggravated with this character.

She was an independent, self reliant, accomplished photojournalist, whose main focus was on wars and genocide. A shrinking violet she was not. But in order to advance the story, the author made this woman independent to the point of self destruction. She was embroiled in the middle of bio-terrorists, deadly toxins, and an undercover CIA agent who was trying to help her out of her predicament and keep her alive. She thwarted his efforts at every turn, putting both of them in mortal danger constantly. He had her hidden in a safe place; she escaped and trekked through treacherous mountains herself, looking for her lost sister. No matter what he told her to do to stay safe, she ignored him, and ventured out into danger on her own, causing more trouble for both of them. He hid her, protected her, always at his and his mission’s peril, only to have her obstruct his every effort, and remind him repeatedly that she could take care of herself.

While reading this, I kept thinking – Stop being such an idiot and let him take care of you. Let him protect you. Accept his strength, knowledge, and ability. We can all be strong, able, and independent, but that does not mean we don’t need to be cared for and protected. I kept thinking –Before Alzheimer’s Disease, although the occasion did not arise when I needed my husband to hike through mountains with guns to protect me from bio-terrorists, he was always ready and capable to help me with any crisis, from the smallest to the most monumental. He was at my side to defend me from those who hurt me emotionally. He was there for the “mathematical mumbo jumbo” I did not understand when our accountant or financial advisor spoke; he organized the medical, insurance, and financial papers. He did ALL of the driving when we went somewhere together; he handled ALL of the car maintenance and discussions with the mechanic; he handled ALL of the car buying negotiations. When the character in the book fought every attempt at assistance, I realized how much of that assistance I had lost, how much I missed it, and what I would give to get it back.

I am aware that the book was “just a story”, and it was the author’s prerogative to assign any attributes to her character that she felt propelled her story in the direction she planned. But each of us reacts to information, speeches, and stories, based upon our own history, and this story tore open a wound I had not realized was there. I miss my protector whom Alzheimer’s Disease has stolen from me.

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