JOAN’S  BLOG – MON/TUE, OCTOBER 4/5, 2010 –UNCHARACTERISTIC ANGER

I have often said, and I meant it, that I am not angry about my husband having Alzheimer’s Disease. I am very sad, but not angry. I do not subscribe to the lament, “Why us?” Rather I say, “Why NOT us?” Everyone has something difficult to deal with, and this just happens to be what was dealt to us.
Lately, however, prickly little feelings of anger are sneaking up on me. The anger is not related to my caregiving duties. It is related to all I have lost with my husband. I see couples our age (60’s) who are holding hands, sharing a laugh, enjoying a conversation, traveling together, and the anger comes over me before I have a chance to quell it. Yes, I am angry that my husband of 40 years is here in the room with me, but I cannot have a conversation with him. I cannot discuss a current event with him. I cannot discuss a movie with him. I have tried, but discussions lose steam quickly when I have to explain the movie or news we just watched, before we begin to talk about it. He either forgets what we just saw; has misinterpreted most of it; or never really understood it in the first place. End of discussion.

I have to tell him EVERYTHING, from when to shower to where we are going, to what to eat, to who to call. I have to lead, direct, and remind. Constantly. I am angry that my husband has turned into my child. I want a husband, not a child. I am angry that we have lost our partnership.  We used to take care of each other. I used to be able to depend upon him to make me laugh, think, see other sides of issues. Now I have to tell him what day it is.

I am living without passion, joy, and the contentment of a loving partnership. I see other couples who still have the partnership we used to enjoy, and it makes me angry. Furious. I want it back. I want my husband back. I hate living like this.

My blogs are supposed to inform, support, educate, and help other spouses feel they are not alone in their thoughts and emotions. They are not supposed to be whine fests. Having proof read this particular blog, I feel it is just that – a whine fest. However, they are also honest, and today, anger at the relationship I lost is what I honestly feel, so I am leaving it as written.

Perhaps tomorrow I will return to concentrating on the positive. Today I just feel angry.

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