JOAN’S BLOG – TUE/WED, JUNE 1-2, 2010 – TRANSITIONING TO PLACEMENT

It is not often that I write a blog about what has not yet occurred in my life with my AD spouse, but this has been on my mind for a week, so I have chosen to discuss it. Making the decision to place a spouse in a facility, as those of you who have done so are aware, is a gut wrenching, emotional mine field. In addition, the stress of researching, visiting, and choosing a facility is stressful beyond imagining.

This weekend, my father arrived from Rhode Island, and we settled him into the Assisted Living Facility next door to my Independent Living neighborhood. My father does not have dementia, so he is in the regular section, not the locked dementia wing, where Sid will be when it becomes necessary. Sid helped me set up the apartment, the TV, the phone, and spent time visiting with my father. He also promised (which I expect him to forget) to attend some activities with Dad, so Dad can get used to them and decide which ones he likes.

Both Sid and I will be back and forth between our Villa and the ALF quite often to visit Dad, attend some outings with him, and make sure he is introduced to new friends. Sid already attends a few outings that the ALF offers, such as casino, theater, and luncheon trips.

The proximity of the ALF to our Villa and Sid’s familiarity with the ALF, has made me wonder if when the times come for him to transition to the dementia unit,  it will be easier on both of us than if we had to travel to an unfamiliar place. I do not expect it to be emotional smooth sailing. Not by a long shot. But I do wonder if it will be better for us than for those of you with transition horror stories that have made my blood run cold.

My husband still thinks he has some control over the disease, and says he is trying as hard as he can to “keep it together”; to stay “with it” as long as possible, because he does not want to live apart from me. He says he cannot sleep without me. It makes me think that familiarity with, and proximity to, the facility is a two-edged sword. On one hand, he will know the people, activities, and routine, as well as be a path walk away from me. On the other hand, knowing “that building” down the path is where he will eventually have to live, may be a stressful reminder to him. I do not know. When I asked him about it, he said that he wanted his transition from here to there to be as far in the future as possible. I agreed with him, telling him that he may never have to leave home.

Realistically, by the time he is ready for the dementia unit, routine, familiarity, and proximity may not matter, as he may have no memory of anything. I do know that if that time comes, I may be the one to have the easier time, as he will be a 3 minute walk from me with people I know and trust. I prefer to think that way for now. I prefer not to dwell on the emotional pain involved in any separation. I am not putting my head in the sand. I am just trying to live one day at a time.   

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