This month, Tracy Mobley writes about a subject closest to our hearts – how Alzheimer’s Disease/dementia, has changed our marriages. For those of you who are not familiar with Tracy, she is a 45 year old married mother of a 15 year old son, Austin. Her husband, Allen, has stood by her, and struggled with her Early Onset Dementia (Frontal Lobe) for 7 years. Tracy is the author of Young Hope/The Broken Road, and founder of Camp Building Bridges, a respite camp for youngsters who parents have Dementia.

I am honored to present Tracy’s March Blog – “I Miss You” – from the perspective of the spouse with the dementia:

                                     I MISS YOU!- By Tracy Mobley                                           

Since my diagnosis my relationship with my husband has changed. In the beginning it was small subtle changes like me forgetting to leave little love notes around for him or write notes on our dry erase board letting him know that I still love him. But since my progression, he tells me that he “misses me” and I tell him that “I am right here”. He says that it isn't the same. He says that he misses the affection and happy person that I once was. I know that I am not the same but I don't see the major changes that he does so it is hard for me to understand. I often catch him staring at me and I know that he is wishing that things were the way they used to be. That is one of the memories that I have lost, I don't remember who I used to be or what I was like.

Trust is a very big issue with me. I don't trust him when it comes to legal issues with me. I have no real reason not to, but I don't. I know this is when I should trust him most. There was a time when he tried to force me to let him have guardianship of me so when the time comes there is no court battle or anything, and I think that is where that feeling of lack of trust comes from. By force, I mean that he hounded me for several days about signing the papers and I was afraid that if I did and he got tired of me, he would drop me off in a nursing home and forget about me. You have to remember that my thoughts are coming from a person with frontal temporal lobe dementia, so my reasoning and logic I am sure were clouded at best. He finally gave up and I have yet to sign those papers.

I know that in my own mixed up mind that we are not as close and affectionate as we used to be. I tell him that I don't think of closeness, I don't think of hugs and kisses, so if he wants that he needs to let me know. He has gotten better about telling me that he needs a hug in which I so very willingly give. All of those things that used to be taken for granted in a marriage were stolen from us by a dark stranger in the night known as frontal lobe dementia. When we go places we still hold hands and he rubs my back. Things that should come so easy, I have to really think about because my fore thoughts aren't as free as they used to be. When he tells me that he misses me, sometimes I can feel myself blush as a school girl at times. I don't understand his feelings, as they are only words that I no longer understand or comprehend. I do tell him that I love him and I am sure that somewhere deep inside my mind, I miss him too! 
©Copyright 2010 Tracy Mobley

Once again, I thank Tracy for this insightful, heartfelt blog, that gives us, the caregiving spouses, a deeper understanding of the emotions of our husbands and wives with Alzheimer’s Disease/Dementia. Her contribution to this website is invaluable.

Message Board Topic: Tracy Mobley’s Blog – I Miss You.

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