JOAN’S BLOG – THURS/FRI, APRIL 8/9, 2010 – THROWING IN THE TOWEL

I surrender.  Alzheimer’s Disease has won, but I refuse to go down with the ship. I have made the decision to now concentrate on my own physical and mental well being, so the disease will not kill me when it finishes with my husband.

Nothing, absolutely nothing I have done to make his life easier, happier, more social, or more active, while he is being destroyed by Alzheimer’s Disease, has satisfied him. The final straw, which I mentioned briefly on the message boards this week, was his fury at me because I was not feeling well, and wanted to skip the Tuesday “after support group luncheon”. He woke up Tuesday morning, refusing to speak to me. (If I were smart, I would have left it at that.) When I asked what was wrong, he yelled at me- “YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID!!” Since I had told him the night before that I was not going to the luncheon, it never occurred to me that he would actually remember it the next morning, but remember it he did. I was astonished to find myself lying in bed next to a two-year old pouty brat, who whined, “I like to go to lunch with everyone. I never get to go anywhere. I’m stuck in the house all day with nothing to do!” 

In the last 3 weeks, he has been to 3 different Alzheimer buddies’ houses to play games with up to 5 other guys; on a casino trip; on a Navy Seal Museum trip; a baseball game and dinner; the movies and dinner twice; had dinner company at home; spent a day at our pool; and a non-Alzheimer friend took him to an All You Can Eat Chinese Buffet. Not only do I plan most of these activities and drive him to them, but I also go to a variety of social events in which I am too tired to participate, in order that HE may have the stimulation and socialization he needs. When I pointed these facts out to him, he pouted some more, said that it wasn’t “usual” for him to have places to go, and he WANTED TO GO TO LUNCH! 

After our support group meeting, I sent him to lunch with everyone, and I went home to lie down. When he returned home, I was still furious. He came into the house with a sad puppy dog face, and apologized. I soon found out, however, that he had no idea why he was apologizing. He could not remember why I was angry or what he had done to make me so.

For one last time, because I should not have done it then, and will never do it again, I explained in the simplest terms possible that he was making himself miserable; that he had two choices – continue fighting, screaming, and focusing on what he cannot do, or enjoy what he is able to do. The elephant in the room came forward and spoke the words that were, are, and always will be at the root of his discontent. He is not allowed to drive. He has no freedom. He will NEVER let it go. No matter how many activities are available to him, if he cannot drive himself to them when he feels like it, they do not count. He insists he does not enjoy ANY of them. Unless he is asked if he enjoyed a specific activity, and he realizes he did. But mostly it is Pout. Pout. Pout.

That is when I knew – I can do nothing to please him. I need to start pleasing myself, or I will drown in his misery.  I decided to set up a work/gym/social schedule around ME. His appointments will have to be worked in around MY schedule.

I will continue to set up activities for him, but I now realize I cannot do the impossible. I cannot please someone with a demented brain, and I refuse to die trying.

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The Alzheimer Spouse LLC
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